Tuesday, March 12, 2013

I Can't Fix Everything

"I like Travis, but he is not your responsibility." -Katherine to her daughter, Daphne, regarding her boyfriend, "Switched at Birth"

I just ended something that kind of resembled a relationship, mainly because I still believe in love and a happily ever after and this guy wasn't it for me. At least not right now. It sounds cliche but we're in different places in our lives, and I thought I could wait for him to catch up but all it was doing was stunting my own growth.

And I hate to admit that because we used to be friends and right now I'm feeling like an AWFUL friend for just abandoning him. That's what it feels like--as if I've abandoned my friend in his time of great need. But I just keep telling myself that I shouldn't have to dull my shine to help someone else be, feel or do better. And just be selfish for my own sake.

Still, when something funny or great happens, or if he just crosses my mind, I pick up my phone to text him and then remember that he probably doesn't want to hear from me. Of course, that could just be my own fears getting in the way; perhaps the friendship is still salvageable. Who knows? What I do know is that I love life, and as hard as it is I love MY life and the people in it. I get down sometimes but just a quick glance at the sun or a flower or a crazy email from Mari and I'm back on my happiness trail.

Most of my life I've played Ms. Fix It and gave too many people too many allowances and now, at almost 40 years old, I'm exhausted. I gave out all the free passes to be miserable in my presence that I can give. I didn't have any more passes for him and his never-ending bad mood.

It might be mean on my part but I see it like this: I pulled myself out of the depths of suicidal thoughts, like right in the thick of not giving any fucks and truly wanting to die. That is the truth. If I can do it then I can't understand why others relish in their bad feelings. It's frustrating for me to sit back and see this in others, and I always go back to that one line from Say Anything, when John Cusack's character asks Joan Cusack's character, "Why can't you be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?"

I've referenced that line before and admitted that I thought it was hard but really, it isn't. There's music. There's nature. There are people who care about you whether you want to let them or not. Unhappiness is a choice. Anger is a choice. Misery is a choice. And if this homeless guy can get crunk in the face of his misfortune, there's no excuse for the rest of us and our First World Problems:

Everyone is entitled to bad days. Heck, I have about five or six a month myself and half are not even tied-in to PMS! And we all have problems that seem bigger than us that could potentially swallow up our sanity. I get that. I'm right there. But it doesn't mean you can't put a smile on your face and be happy that at least you're alive and possess the capacity to make a positive change in your life.

I wish my friend could see that.

*smooches...sprinkling rainbows in your life on this rainy NYC day*
and how AWESOME is that old man? I need to take dancing lessons from him!