"All I Want For Christmas Is You"

Tomorrow is December 1st. Here's my Christmas wish list, what I want from all of you reading this post, in the spirit of the holiday...

> Volunteer at least on Saturday this month to a shelter or soup kitchen or your local library.

> Answer one of those "Dear Santa" letters the U.S. Post Office gets for some random child

> Tell your loved ones how you feel about them, everyday this month. A simple, "I love you" at the end of a conversation will suffice. But make sure you mean it!

> Be good to your body; sit in on a free introductory Yoga class, try a non-meat week, give up soda and coffee for the month, get a massage and facial on a random Wednesday

> Find something positive to say about every day you are on this earth

> Don't bombard people with expensive, store-bought gifts this Christmas; it's really not a measure for love. Unless you're proposing, in which case that ring had better be in a lil blue box or say HARRY WINSTON on the receipt. I'm just sayin...

> Throw that homeless dude a dollar or two; just this once lets assume he'll use it for food and not drugs.

> In fact, buy the homeless dude a meal and a hot chocolate. He IS hungry. Trust.

> Read one thing this month that will help make you a better accountant/teacher/nurse/person- anything, as long as it's going to enrich your life

> Treat yourself to a big ol dessert after dinner. You deserve it. You work hard, why not??

And no need to report back... just let your conscience be your guide.

*smooches...hoping to get as many of these accomplished as I can in 31 days*
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and perhaps we'll enjoy it so much we'll make a habit out of it... imagine the great things we can do.

You know Obama is president now, right? You have to do better! lol

Musical Interlude While I Get My Head On Right

I've had the most craptastic morning imaginable and it ain't even 10:30 AM as I type this... I need a release!

I'm travelling to DC today so I'm not around the internets for at least a couple of days, but I wanted to leave you with my "Get Your Head On Right" playlist.

Guns N' Roses - Welcome to the Jungle

No "Get Your Head On Right" playlist is complete without this song. I always play it when I'm feeling shitty.

Ne-Yo - Go On Girl

I just change the lyrics around to suit my gender and VOILA- I feel better!

Modjo - Lady

Oh, man... where's my glo-stick and pacifier?

Bjork - It's Oh So Quiet

I've always wanted to be in this video... it's so fun!

Gloria Estefan - Mi Tierra

When this CD dropped I would GROOOOOVE to this song at our place in Buffalo.

Dee Lite - Groove Is In The Heart

Minnie and I played this to death. Daily. Really.

The Jonas Brothers - 3000

Listen, don't judge me. I have kids. They listen to this crap. And it sticks.

Alejandro Sanz feat. Shakira - Te Lo Agradezco Pero No

I think they make such lovely duets... their voices go perfectly together!

Earth, Wind & Fire - September

Had to close it all out with a funky groove, 'cause I love you so!

Enjoy and have a Happy Pilgrims-Came-Stole-Some-Turkeys-And-Killed-Some-Indians-'Cause-They-Could Day!

XOXO
The Jaded NYer & Family

*smooches...wishing I could just teleport to DC instead of taking this dang bus*
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And try not to overeat, or I will make fun of your big ol belly. Pregnant bellies and new mommies get a free pass...

Are Men Like Real Estate?

So on the heels of yesterdays TMI post about my coochie cobwebs (I'm totally taking ownership of that phrase... I'm NOT afraid of spiders AT. ALL.), here's a sort of part two to all that.

It hit me walking back to my office from the library as I ignored the icky looking dude walking towards me who looked ready to utter an "Excuse me, miss" or some such nonsense- I'm never going to find the perfect man. I'm never going to find the one with all the components in place that I am looking for- aesthetics, intelligence, street smarts, pleasant/tolerable demeanor and most importantly, maturity.

Then I remembered that while Celia was taking me on a mini tour of her new place in the Keys, she pointed out that the Master Bedroom was not as big as she'd like it to be but it has it's own separate bathroom, so it's a trade off... and that when dealing with real estate, you can't always get what everything you want.

Isn't it the same with a mate?

12Kyle recently wrote a post asking what kind of people do we attract, and my response was:

You want to know who I attract?

The dregs of the dregs of the dregs of society. Hence why I'm still single.

Find the biggest loser in any situation and I GUARANTEE he's making googly eyes at me.

Very rare is the gem that comes my way, and when he does I barely notice because I'm so used to the dregs, so I end up treating him poorly.

c'est la vie

It never fails- the dude will be smart and witty but FUGLY as all hell and have questionable homosexual tendencies and/or mannerisms.

Or he'll he really cute with an AWESOME body that just makes you quiver from head to toe but will have the intelligence of a box of erasers.

Or he'll be good looking and smart and tall and have that body that OOH you just wanna slap his momma for birthing such an Adonis and then KA-BLAM- he opens his mouth and he's a total jackass.

See, when I would think of my dream house I would say- I want a wrap-around porch, and I want a beautifully finished attic to use as my personal writing room and a lush yard with a vegetable and herb garden and an in-ground pool and bay windows in the Master Suite, an old Victorian or something, and then I remember- I don't want to leave NYC... so I needed to compromise on my dream home just a tad. Like I may have to settle for an attached brownstone with no attic and a shady basement, a 2'X4' cement yard and membership at the Y so I can swim on weekends.

But do I really have to compromise on a man in the same fashion? Can't he please be a grown-up and not play games (or Xbox)? Tall? Smart, with at least a Bachelor's Degree from an accredited University? Can he not be a total jerk-off or mama's boy, and can he know his way around with needing me to hold his hand? And can he please be sterile and/or allergic to babies? And know how to dance in and out of bed, so I don't have to supplement his wack-ass love-making with reruns of Soul Food or internet porn?

And please please please, for the love of Buddha- can he be LOCAL?!?! Not from Jersey or Philly or other outer limits... if I can't get to him using the NYC MTA, I don't want to even answer his phone calls! I'm not hopping on the light rail NOR am I getting on the Metro North for NO ONE. Not anymore. I've been there and it just doesn't work. And EWWW- who wants to go all the way to freakin JERSEY CITY for some dick? I don't care if you DO have a massage table- your bed is a futon! Stop calling me...

I'm willing to deal with a brownstone off of Flatbush Avenue or even Parkside, because I'm not afraid of the 'hood and sheeeee-it- in NYC a brownstone is a brownstone, right? My only requirement at this point is that it be in move-in condition. No fixer-uppers, please! I don't want to repair, adjust or refinish ANYTHING.

Same thing with a potential mate. You have issues? Here's a tissue... take your ass to therapy, okay? If I can do it, anyone can.

The next guy I let in? Nah, I cannot compromise. Will not compromise. Even if it means I sail into retirement solo, with only my John Cusack DVDs and Fiestaware collection to keep me company...

Call me greedy, selfish, stuck-up, WHATEVER, just don't call me if you don't make the cut. I know me, I know what will make me happy, and I will know him when I see him, hold him, look up into his eyes with my third eye and, with my Orishas looking out for me, most definitely will know it when he kisses me.

*smooches...just tired of the bullshit and determined not to settle*
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and you can thank that gross semi-homeless dude smoking a nasty-ass cigarette who hit on me in the street for this rare relationship post for the second day in a row... I'm not trying to dog dudes or anything- y'all know I love you like Palin loves guns- but UGH! A girl can only take so much before she becomes unhinged!

This Is The Result Of Self-Imposed Celibacy

The show last night was hella-cool, y'all... check out the archived segment and make sure you're there next week, Okay, cuz we STAY having fun on BTR...

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And now the post:
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All things carnal have been on the forefront of my mind lately... I know I never talk about this shit over here but AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! A girl can only take so much before an entire F-train car of commuters are found stabbed in the throat by my wine key. I'm just sayin...

When I'm grocery shopping, doing laundry, commuting to work, reading a damn book, watching old B&W movies- all of a sudden, everything reminds me of sex.

It also doesn't help that most of the songs in my iTunes library have sexual undertones... what the FUCK, iTunes?! You know my situation... can you just CHILL with that mess already?

I almost even took it a step too far- a "dinner date" with Mr. Baseball, but thank the Lord Jesus Christ Almighty (you like how I bring out the "lord" randomly, knowing full well me n him ain't friends?) that he had a family emergency in SoCal and had to go out of town. Bullet. Dodged. Until he returns to NYC, that is.

Did I mention he plays baseball? And is damn near 40 but has a body that won't stop? Did I mention that? Even though his attitude is ten trillion times STANKER than mine and I SWORE to myself that I'd NEVER speak to him again? No? Well, I'm mentioning it now. Because D-A-M-N his body. won't. quit. And I think it was barely my birthday the last time I saw a real-live penis.

Bare with me, y'all. I think I'm having a hot flash... is it time for menopause already?

And the weather this weekend helped, too; kept my ass indoors where instead of participating in some sober, sweaty monkey sex with some random loser from Bembe, I discovered that those magic eraser sponges are the SHIZNIT!!! Yo- my cabinets have NEVER looked better.

(Ay, yo, Mari- tell Rene's woman que me mande mas de esas esponjitas... I gots LOTS more scrubbing to do!)

But honestly, with lots o' talk of STDs and HIV buzzing around me lately, coupled by the fact that I recently watched Philadelphia AND the episode of 90210 when that young woman speaks to Brenda's health class about how she got AIDS at 16 by having unprotected sex with some Law Student loser, when I even THINK of sleeping with someone, FOR REAL, all I keep thinking is: "Where are your papers? Hand them over... Matter fact, let's have our first date at the clinic, mmkay?"

Besides, call me crazy, but I don't think I want meaningless sex anymore, no more FWBs or swinger party invites or casual hook-ups; I'm just not into it anymore. Unless you're my man it AIN'T gonna happen, and funny thing? I'm not ready for a man.

See the problem here? Yeah, me, too.

So, yeah, I'll be chillin here in the cut for the time being, eating my feelings and keeping myself busy with projects and babies and books and floor scrubbing... just me and my coochie cobwebs... because we all know about idle hands and shit. That's how K got here...

*smooches...wondering if I can break my own record and make it to a year*
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would I get a prize if I go a year? 'Cause I like prizes... and can my prize be a penis?

My Landlord Thinks I Need A Boyfriend...And Other Musings

Aaaaand We're BACK!!
Yeah, yeah, Monday Musings w/The Jaded NYer & Friends is back, tonight, at 10PM EST.



This week, The F$%k It List will guest host as we go through the items that made the headlines in November. Like, didn't we have an election or something this month? I can't remember...

Anywayz... This was supposed to be an ongoing segment at the end of every month, but I'm just getting around to it.

Don't look at me like that...

Back To The Gym I Go
I took a pause from my health kick; just a recent bout of depression that I've been trying to get over. Justine's ousting helped a little bit, but there are still other Voices that need to be evicted.

I was told that the endorphins released during exercise help elevate your mood. I spent all day Sunday cleaning and scrubbing and doing all kinds of domestic crap around the house, so there may be something to that endorphins thing.

Besides, I'm getting tired of being offered a seat on the subway because people think I'm "in a family way."

Okay, maybe that never happened, but it totally could!

By The Way...
My hair? Yeah, it's STILL the hotness...



Wipe that drool off your chin, fellas... I've been wearing the same PJs since Saturday afternoon...

Some Music I've Had On Repeat Lately
I bought a used iPod from eBay and it has really helped my mood on the subway A LOT. Some of the songs I repeat three or four times when they come on are:

This one because, well, my love life is on the SERIOUS rocks, like for real, as in tumbleweeds and ghost towns and whatnot. But this song reminds me that it could be worse... I could be stuck in ANOTHER bad relationship that I don't know how to get out of.

"Baby believe me, if I stay it ain't gonna be easy..."


And this one reminds me that when I DO find me a cutie pie, this is how I want him. Listen to these racy ass'd lyrics... can you believe Miss Horne was singing this mess? HOT!!

"Unless I feel the ceiling caving, how will I know we're misbehavin'...!"


And THIS one, because there's a teeny, tiny droplet of THUG inside this good (recovering) Catholic girl... I rock out to this whenever an old white lady sits next to me on the train, daring her to complain about the volume so I can bust out with, "Don't you know Obama is PRESIDENT? I can do whatever I want!"

"Haters are scandalous, damn, can't a ni**a just breathe?"


My Landlord Thinks I Need A Boyfriend
So, you know how my landlord is renovating the apartment next door, right? Well, when they were knocking down walls they kinda knocked a few holes THROUGH my walls and I brought it to his attention.



His response?

"Yes, I know, I will fix. Maybe you go away on a vacation and I fix up your apartment like next door, yes? Get a boyfriend to take you on vacation."

EXCUSE ME?

Is he trying to insinuate that I spend way too much time in my apartment in my flannel pajamas ordering takeout, watching old movies on my computer and reading books while laid out on the couch? And that perhaps some MAN can just swoop in and change all that?

Sure, Mr. B., that's what I'll do- I'll just wave my magic wand and click my heels three times and wrinkle my nose and blink me up a man JUST LIKE THAT who will wisk me away on a fabulous vacation somewhere that isn't my sofa. Just. Like. That.

So I said, "Yeah, sure, you can fix the walls and then find me a boyfriend while you're at it."

And HE said, "No, YOU find a boyfriend."

I felt like someone slapped me across the face! Why I've NEVER...!

*smooches...wondering how long I've been the butt of his jokes because I don't have a man*
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I bet they're downstairs RIGHT NOW laughing about the fact that I've been holed up in my apartment all weekend... AND? It's COLD outside, dammit!

(at least, that's my excuse this weekend...)