Jaded Photographs 2009: September Edition

"A Day In The Life"

*smooches...feeling so proud of K's side eye*
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lord help the future of this world... my offspring are on the loose. y'all ain't ready...

Mari Speaks On...

...my recording all of her soundbites for my blog:

"All these quotations are just smearing my name so that I can't win the presidency in Uruguay. CAMBIO!!"



*smooches...wishing you a glorius 3-day weekend!
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and if you're in NYC, hit me up... there be many parades, festivals and par-tays to hit up this weekend, and you know you love to see me drunk off my ass...

Would You Like A Beverage For Your THIRST?

The other day on Twitter I expressed that I used to think thirsty broads were the worst... until Sunday when I met the THIRSTIEST dude in the history of being parched. EVER. HANDS DOWN.

So I went over to Minnie's for an impromptu BBQ w/friends and family, and one of her co-workers, lets call her CeCe, was there w/her beau du jour. Lets call him THIRSTY.

Oh my god he... I... words... cannot...

Wherever CeCe went, there went THIRSTY right behind her like a poorly trained puppy. As if that weren't bad enough he proceeded to kiss her on her shoulder and neck- ALL IN OUR FACES- despite CeCe's cries of, "STOP. Can you stop for like five minutes? Can you leave me alone for like five minutes?"

I wanted to scream "GODDAMMIT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ENGLISH??? SHE SAID FIVE MINUTES NEGRO. FIIIIIIIVVVVVVEEEEEE!!!!"

Oooh, I was too, too annoyed. And it's not like she was saying "stop" in a playful, girly way because then I'd be like, "That bitch likes it." She was truly as annoyed as I was. Heck, we were ALL annoyed, and I'm not ashamed to say we were talking about them in Spanish. THAT'S how UGH we were feeling- we were reduced to grade school shit and talked about them to their face in Spanish.

What makes someone behave that way? Why? On what planet is it acceptable to paw at someone in mixed company and continue to do so even AFTER you've been repeatedly asked to stop? Why are people so EXTRA when it comes to the opposite sex? Smothering people? Being a shadow? Tits out? Ass out? No panties? What. The. Fuck? Where's the limit?

People, I had to leave my own cousin's house to preserve my sanity, lest I come out face to someone else's man, word to Chris Brown's bow tie! I know I'm extremely guarded and would NEVER let on that I like someone, and that's the other extreme of the spectrum and not a good look, but THIRST? On a man?

Excuse me while I vomit something for this fool to drink...

I mean, I know about my own levels of insecurities and how damaging it has been in my supposed attempts at relationships, but what type of need is trying to be filled by someone that hard pressed to be all up in their partner's face? Did their mommies not hug them enough? Did their daddies not eat at the table with the family? Do I need to take up a collection to get these people some therapy, because I will!

Help me out, folks. What's really happening here?

*smooches...praying to never meet a dude like that*
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before you comment, though, take a peek at this post on Brothers' Blog on the very same subject.

The Jaded School Of Parenting: Lesson One - YOU Are The Parent

Okay, people. I know I've touched upon child rearing before on this blog and on Monday Musings, but let me tell you what has been driving me nuts since I started working from home more: MY NEIGHBOR AND HER DAMN BRATTY KIDS.

Remember when I wrote this post about my fear that she was physically abusing her children? Right. Well I take it all back. She is not abusing them; those kids are just GRADE A BRATTY McBRATTERTONS and I am seriously 2 more episodes of screaming away from walking over there, belt in hand, to handle this shit myself.

But then I had to take a few deep cleansing breaths and remember- this kid is only doing what she knows. Therefore, the fault lies with the parents. A child who acts out by screaming and crying and throwing things learned that that is an appropriate way to deal with being upset via the parent or guardian. PERIOD. Do not dispute me on this. I have many years under my belt dealing with kids. I know from whence I speak.

Don't like it? Feel offended? Well, see that little red X atop your internet browser? Feel free to press it and keep it moving the fuck on. Because I'm TIRED of having to witness so much bad ass behavior from kids who are in desperate need of parental guidance. ESPECIALLY when that behavior disrupts what was supposed to be a relaxing afternoon on the couch watching movies on Netflix.

So in the name of my sanity, I'm going to extend the lessons from Monday Musings' Child Rearing episodes onto the blog. For free. Because did I mention MY SANITY IS AT RISK HERE?

Lesson One: YOU ARE THE PARENT. That's correct. You are the grown up, the one in charge. The head honcho. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. When I read about kids & parents locked in a "power struggle" I get so confused because, um, who's in charge here? Why is there even a question? Why the struggle? If it gets to that point then you have FAILED as a parent already. YEAH, I said it. If your child has the AUDACITY to even dream about questioning your authority you've F-A-I-L-E-D.

This shit needs to start early. Your three-day old baby starts crying, demanding food a whole hour earlier than she's scheduled to eat? TOO FUCKING BAD, KID. Wait an hour. And shut the fuck up. I run this shit, not you, and the sooner you learn that the happier your childhood will be. Trust me.

It's really not rocket science. Really, it's not. And of course I'm not advocating being a bully; I'd never speak to a child that way. But ask my ex- even when my girls were newborns I used a stern, no-nonsense voice with them to keep them in line. Babies remember that shit. And it will resonate when they are toddlers and are testing your patience. Use the stern voice and it'll trigger a memory from when they had to sit in their own poop for an extra 20mins because they were acting a fool during diaper-changing-time.

If you take nothing else away from this post please always remember- YOU ARE THE PARENT and it is your job to regulate and raise that child to respect your authority. Kids NEED that discipline in their life. Don't let them down.

*smooches...thanking Grandma for her gift of child rearing*
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because I'll be damned if someone who don't bring no money into this GD house gets to be the boss. FUCK THAT.

Justifying My Netflix Addiction

Ah, Netflix... for a measly $18 a month, you provide me with many, many hours of entertainment the likes of which cable TV could never compete with (how many times have I heard you all complain about nothing being on TV?).

This past weekend I pulled an all-nighter with the last two discs from season one of ER. How awesome is that show? And I'm using the present tense on that because although the series ended on NBC it STILL REMAINS one of the BEST dramas to ever grace the airwaves. I dare you to deny it.

Anyway, in one particular episode Dr. Benton's mom said to him, in the middle of her dementia, "Your talent is god's gift to you. What you do with that talent is your gift back to god."

Normally I roll my eyes at this sort of Jesus Freak talk, especially from old people who are CLEARLY trying to win brownie points in order to gain entrance into heaven, but at 5:30 in the morning it kind of spoke to me.

As in, maybe if I write the best stories anyone's ever read EVER, god will grace me with "his" presence, maybe give me some of that faith I keep hearing about that comforts people in their time of need.

That'd be real Christian-like of god, don't you think?



*smooches...wondering who I have to blow to get a meeting with god*
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and how AWESOME is that Poison song? gosh I miss the late 80s early 90s...