Wednesday, January 10, 2007

What Are You Looking At?...and other musings

Tiny updates on my 2007 so far...

BS Threshold...
I reached it about 2weeks ago when I had to write an article on a man who I believe to be a money-grubbing whore but my boss thinks is an environmental god. Then again when I had three people contact me about hiring me for freelance gigs...with no pay. And again when just yesterday, some fucking moron stood me up for a drink "thing" after work. No phone call, no email. Nothing. That's okay, though. You'll get yours.

Sometimes, I Just Don't Know, Man
So I have certain family members that...well let's just say I wouldn't introduce them to the Queen. The latest on one such relative is that, besides being heavily hooked on drugs and probably selling her body to obtain said drugs, her "boyfriend" had her front of her kids.

And now she's back with him. Crying that The Family doesn't care about her.

Sweetie, we care. We don't want to see you like this. We especially don't want your kids to see you like this and grow up to do the same. We just don't want you stealing our valuables in the middle of the night to feed your habit and getting us stabbed, too.

We all miss Grandma. It's not an excuse to do what you're doing. You made your choices. The consequences suck ass, but they were your choices. Now deal.

How Old Are You?
Today on the subway I saw a woman with two Princess Leia-type "buns," only smaller, on her way to work. Chiiild! She was 35 if she was a day, and walking around with that hairdo looking like an extra from Who-ville! Now, I rock two braids every now and again, but never to MY JOB where I'm supposed to be a grown up. Save that shit for the weekend when you're cleaning up or doing laundry! I'm sorry hun, but you looked a HOT MESS!!!

What Are You Looking At?
You, with the jeans fallin' off your ass, messy man-braids and oversized, puffy jacket with Al Pacino as Scarface etched on the back, smoking a cigarette in front of Home Depot. Yeah, you. What, on god's green earth, are you looking at? Surely not at me. You can't think that you're my type. You can't be so delusional as to think that calling me "shorty" on the street will make me moist. Or that saying, "hey mami" will compel me to hand out my digits.

Look at you and look at me.

Do I look like I like to go slummin'?

Get a job!

Did Somebody Go to the Dentist?
I saw a picture of Toothless...with his tooth in place. Is this picture old or new? OLD OR NEW? The suspense is killing me. I have to find a way to find out. I have my people working on it.

Why do I care? Because he was nice and good-looking and all...just didn't have a tooth. I'll give him a second chance if the picture is new.

Can Somebody PU-LEESE Stop Calling Me?
Hoover, sweetheart, I beg of you. Catch the hint. You have not seen me in two months for a reason. I'm not online because I STAY "invisible" to avoid you. I don't have the heart to just tell you that you suck- literally and figuratively- so please just go away so I don't have to tell you about yourself!

No That Bitch Didn't!!
Jeremy Piven, star of HBO's "Entourage" had the AU-DA-CI-TY to tell reporters that my beloved John Cusack is not happy for his success, that John is JEALOUS of him. Can you believe that bullshit?

For those of you not familiar with the two, they were really good friends once upon a time.

Excuse me, Mr. Ass-Face Piven, but my boo has starred in many, many great movies. Many in which you had the pleasure of also starring. He owns his own production company and has the luxury of picking and choosing his roles as opposed to taking whatever is handed him. Plus he has my never-ending, undying affection, respect and loyalty, which you will NEVER have.

You lucked out with "Entourage." And I'm happy for you.

But don't get too big for your britches, okay pahtna? Don't be sullying my baby's name to get your name in the paper. He takes great pains to stay under the gossip radar- LEAVE HIM ALONE.

Don't make me have to tell you again.

Oooh, I Can Order It Like Take-Out?
I've just discovered Lord strike me down if I don't have the urge to create a profile!!! This whole new "wired" world we live in just never ceases to amaze me. So instead of meeting someone and getting to know them and falling in love and all that, you can just go on this site and hook up. Just like that? Hmmm...

Okay, gotta jet and order some penis to go...

*smooches...with my mouse at the ready and a drawer full of condoms*
now i am prowling through the backyard
and i am hiding under the car
i have gotten out of everything
i've gotten into so far
i eat when i am hungry
and i travel alone
and just outside the glow of the house
is where i feel most at home