A Bitch Got Fat.

That "F" word can be really triggering or polarizing but I'm An Old and I use accurate words to describe things that are real, and I. Am. Fat. How do I know? Well, besides having pretty decent vision and a working mirror: my back and joint pains have increased, my belly sticks out and hangs like a trash bag full of pudding, and my snoring has gotten so much worse.

Now, because I'm gifted in height, it took a while for it to really show, but then one day I took a selfie and thought WHO THE FUCK IS THAT FAT BITCH? Clothes that I've owned and comfortably worn for years no longer fit, and then rock bottom: I sat down and my jeans gave up on life. That's when I really knew.

"You can't be fat AND mean, Raquel"

I got on a scale and a number I never thought I'd see associated with me popped up; 252lbs. I'm not sure how you deal with bad news, but my way is to feel defeated, fall into a shame spiral wherein I identify and dwell on every wrong decision I ever made, then escape into a new hyperfixation while completely avoiding the obvious solutions. It's so much fun in my brain, I wish I could sell tickets!

And a lot of things contributed to this; not the actual lockdown but life after, where everyone walks around maskless and not social distancing and coughing into the open air as if Covid never happened. That shit stresses me out. Being in a stagnant relationship that I refuse to make a decision about one way or another, stresses me out. Being underemployed and in a financial crisis stresses me out. Worrying about my daughters' well-being stresses me out. Worried that my mom isn't progressing in her recovery the way we thought she would, and the pressure it adds onto my sister and brother-in-law, stresses me out. THE GOVERNMENT COUP THAT IS CURRENTLY TAKING PLACE WHICH MAKES ME FEEL HELPLESS AND POWERLESS, STRESSES. ME. OUT. And when I stress out, I EAT & SHUT DOWN, a combination well documented for its ability to fatten people up.

If I could just be 100% depressed only, then I could lose some weight, you know? Because that's when I lose interest in food altogether. Ahhh, I miss only being depressed...

(I will share, however, the one major positive of looking like someone's Big Momma... no more catcalls in these streets. PRAISE ALLAH.)

So what do I plan to do about it? *kanyeshrug* Does this blog post not count as something being done?

I think I'm sharing this out loud because if/when you see me in these streets wearing a mumu or complaining about my diabetes acting up (who are we kidding, it's only a matter of time), I don't want you to be surprised and wonder, "what happened to that hot Dominican blogger I used to fantasize about?" I'll tell you what happened, a bitch got fat.

Love & Balls,

Jaded

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like the scar of age

written all over my face

the war is still raging inside of me

i still feel the chill

as i reveal my shame to you

i wear it like a tattoo

The Jaded NYer: The Reboot

Hi. Remember when I used to blog regularly, and on the days I'd take a break, I'd come back with a song? I figured that, since I've decided to revive the blog, I'd ease you back in with a little tune.

Wasn't that fun? Great, let's move on.

Why reboot the Jaded Blog? Well. A lot of factors led to this decision.

1. I have been RUDDERLESS since Papi died. Just walking around this world like a chicken without a head. This is a strange world for me- first I lose Grandma and just when I've made peace with it, Papi leaves. The one man in my life who loved me unconditionally. It's a lot for a girl to lose her dad.

2. I lost focus on my WHY. I became so entangled in trying to run La Pluma y La Tinta, trying to host events that would garner likes on the interwebs, bigging up others only to get nothing in return. It depleted me.

3. I quit my library job after it became ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that they didn't value me or my skills, and my whole department, minus one or two people, became overrun with people NOT from NY, telling NYers what types of events/books/art they should like. And finding a new job, one that will pay me what I'm worth but also feels like I'm positively contributing to the good in this world has been... not great.

4. My daughter had a major health crisis, the world shut down, my mom got sick, and my sister had twins, and I realized, fuck everything else, family is what I need to focus on.

5. I'm living in a world that, basically, hates me and everyone who looks like me or is where I'm from, and the anxiety and depression that comes with that has forced me to seek some sort of anchor, and I think I'm realizing that anchor is language, literature, the written word.

So I guess, for now, I'm un-retired. 

Listen, if Stephen King can do it, so can I.

Happy Black History & Dominican Heritage Month.

Love & Balls,
Jaded

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does anyone remember
what it felt like to laugh all night
and sleep in late
not worry about anyone or anything?

well, I don't, I don't, I don't

Today on This Meatless Life...

First of all, don't get excited. I'm only here because I personally hate it when people write monologues on FB and found my post was getting too long, and then I remembered: Bitch, you're still pay for this URL. Take that shit to the blog.

Second, if you don't follow me on FB then let me explain that last week I decided to eat all plant-based meals, 1. to see if I could, 2. to see if my body would feel any different or better, and 3. because Beyonce asked me to. There. Now you're all caught up.

So last week's experiment taught me some more about how flavors work together, what it means to be full/satisfied, and how much 'fake' food we're inundated with.

Besides Saturday's tofu adventures, I steered clear of meat/protein substitutes (y'all can keep that impossible burger FAR away from me, and no, I would NOT like any chik'n or 'vegan' cheese or that seitan—pronounced like SATAN for a reason) and instead opted for REAL whole vegetables. I also made better choices on grains and/or starches (because I knew this vegetarian in college whose diet consisted basically of pasta and it was not...cute).

clockwise from top left: veggie pita 'pizza' | tofu tikka masala
veggie + manchego frittata | veggie fried quinoa

Moving forward? Who knows. I don't agree that it's unethical to eat animals so this isn't that. It's mostly trying to recognize what my body will no longer tolerate (I haven't been feeling my best), mixing it up in the kitchen, which is arguably one of my favorite pastimes, and not being so lazy when it comes to my own nourishment (if you looked at my bank statement it would read SEAMLESS all the way down. ridiculous!).

But you can still invite me out for Buffalo wings, and you best believe I'm having SANCOCHO on February 27, and platano con salami can't be beat. But now, I know the answer to "what do y'all vegetarians eat? And is it filling and/or nutritious?" because I lived it. No more obnoxious questions from me, I promise! And I also found another way to reduce my carbon footprint, which is always in the back of my mind. And not to get full-blown hippie on you, but it felt good to peel, chop, cook and eat things that came out of the ground. I could almost imagine that I grew them myself, which, of course, is my next goal.

Y'all be good.

And don't miss me too much.

Also, eat your greens, dammit.

smooches...with a fridge full of veggies and a head full of recipes
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don't bother leaving a comment because they're closed lol

Journey To Di Road: Day 16 | My 3,527TH Excuse

What can I say? I lost interest in this journey a week after I started writing about it out of pure frustration with myself. That led to a spiral, which led to another spiral, which led to...hmmm, what was that? OH YES. ANOTHER SPIRAL.

So fine. I'm not okay. When I think about going to the gym I die a little bit inside. I'm ashamed of the weight I've gained. I don't want anyone to look at me. I DON'T WANT TO BE SEEN and not in my usual introverted "don't look at me" way, either. The only reason I even bother still coming to work is because I have a kid in college, one about to go to college, and I need the money.

Then just get your ass to the gym and change how you do things! That's the VERY UNSOLICITED advice I get from people who don't understand anxiety or depression. My brain don't work like your brain. I literally scream inside my head get up, go outside, don't eat that, do better, but whatever is supposed to communicate with my physical body is all bitch, shut up; we're sitting here frozen and you'll just have to fucking deal with it.

And don't come at me with the "endorphins" myth because LISTEN TO THIS UNMITIGATED HARD ASS TRUTH: Endorphins are a junky science LIE. I've never felt energized or happy after a workout, only sore and tired and sleepy. Maybe my endorphins are broken? WHO KNOWS STOP ASKING SO MANY STUPID FUCKING QUESTIONS.

But this morning I looked in the mirror and absolutely hated what I saw, who I've become. She is disgusting. She eats too much and then lays around letting life pass by. She never finishes what she starts and she often goes back on her word, especially to herself.

Yeah, this might be a problem.

Seriously, the only thing keeping me together most days is the bomb-ass lipsticks I use to hide behind so people will think I'm fine and normal.

Photo of my poppin' ass lipgloss to distract you from my mental illness

This is Day 16.

Breakfast: a chai and a cheddar scone; they were both gross and I regretted everything about it
Snack: nothing; work was on some bullshit all day and I barely left my desk
Lunch: two tacos, homemade chips, with guac, salsa, and a seltzer; why the fuck not? I needed to stress eat.

I regret nothing!

Victories: just took my vitamins, and started incorporating some GREEN FOOD supplements. I mean, I bought 'em, might as well take 'em
WOMP Moments: my whole life is a WOMP moment; shut up.

Currently, I'm dealing with a mom who's hiding from the world and sending my calls to voicemail, a shitty computer that stops working whenever, wherever, and a very real book deadline, on top of some very overdue shit at work. I'm getting some comfort food today. I'M GETTING SOME COMFORT FOOD TODAY.

And then I'm going to sit at my table and have a Come To Jesus Meeting with my To Do List and decide which of those things just aren't gonna get done. Ever. And force myself to be okay with it.

*smooches...not in the mood for the bullshit*
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and by "the bullshit" I mean MY bullshit

Journey To Di Road: Day 10 | Ummm...

So, not only did I ditch my whole eating and workout plan ENTIRELY this week, I didn't blog, either. Part of me wanted to write up some stuff and post date it so that there isn't a big hole in this week, but no, I won't do that. I need to look back and remember that I went back on my word, if for no other reason than to shame myself into never doing it again.

Once a Catholic, always a Catholic...

On Tuesday, I didn't blog because Monday pissed me off; just the memory of the day I decided to stop blogging put me in the worst mood. Wednesday, I plum-forgot. I took the day off from work, did laundry, binge-watched GREENLEAF on Netflix (oh my GAWD it's such a good show!), cooked, and chilled. Blogging didn't really fit into my day, especially because I was trying to cheer myself up after realizing that the real reason I took Wednesday off--to finish and submit my NEA grant application--was for naught because I didn't meet the candidate guidelines. Thursday, I remembered, but then fell asleep, and today I was too busy at work and then too happy at home to sit at my desk and give myself 200 verbal lashes for fucking up this week.

I have the highest of hopes for next week, only because I have to or nothing is ever going to happen. Eventually, something will give and I'll take my health seriously, right?

This is Day 10.

Breakfast: slice of egg pie/baked frittata and slice of buttered toast; then I had a few sips of a nasty, bitter cup of coffee at work to wake up.

No amount of sugar + milk could save this bitter cup of trash

Snack: microwave popcorn. I regretted it immediately
Lunch: some bullshit salad (no meat) in a desperate attempt to be "healthy" which I also regretted because it left me feeling empty inside. I followed it up with one of those tiny Snickers from the work snack drawer

I wasn't meant to eat rabbit food, I was meant to eat the rabbit

Dinner: Buffalo wings and cajun fries from Buffalo's Famous, the only AUTHENTIC wing spot that I know of in NYC; it was delicious and I make zero apologies
Victories: I ate breakfast all week, which definitely helped me cut down on my snack cravings at work this week; nothing spoiled in my fridge--everything I cooked got eaten (or will be tomorrow)
WOMP Moments: I ordered takeout when I had perfectly good food in the fridge OR ate two dinners sometimes; forgot to blog; just realized I forgot my supplements today; OH and I never went to the gym this week

Today I did some computer maintenance and replaced my speakers with a much better, bass-heavy set, so I have all of the plans to blast soca tomorrow as I do my Saturday chores. Dancing helps to motivate me; bass helps me want to dance. Perhaps all of that put together will guide me towards the gym?

Or nah.

*smooches...waiting on [my] world [view] to change*
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my brain needs to fix itself pronto!