Four Pounds Of Excuses: A Healthy Jaded Update

Take a good look at what weeks of skipping workouts and eating like a fat pig look like:

I don't think you're ready for this jelly... I'm not even ready for it!

YUP. I've gotten bigger since my last fitness post and I'm pretty disgusted with myself. All that hard work this summer and for what? Sub-par pizza and wings from Dominoes? FOR SHAME, RAQUEL, FOR SHAME!

::takes a moment to admonish self some more::

OKAY. Now that that's over and done, let's make it all better by getting back on the right path. The whole trying to work out at night didn't work for me because really- who the hell wants to put in a full day and then go work out? That's that bullshit! (c) Smarty P. Jones

Yoga at night is not a problem. I pretty much look forward to it at night even though it can be a tough workout; it's still very relaxing and centering. But boot camp and all that? AT NIGHT? Pffft!

So I asked another parent if N could tag along with her and her daughter to school in the AM and that is working out beautifully. HELLO FREE MORNINGS! Now I just have to come face to face with the fact that I must part ways with my bed (my flannel sheets, jammies and duvet cover are EVERYTHING) before the sun's out. Plus:

1- I'm back to a modified Primal eating style, 80/20 to be exact, because strict diets are for people who have nothing better to do than harp over ever morsel of food they eat. I'm going to sprinkle cheese on something once in a while. I will eat a bag of Fritos during PMS Week. And Baby Jesus help you if you try and come between me and my momma's yellow rice on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

2- I shall brave the darkness and go back to my classes. BLAH. I already explained how awesome my bed situation is but in addition to that cottony heaven, there's a rapist loose in Park Slope. I didn't want to act like I care but I CARE and it's rather scary. But I'll put on my game face, carry a weapon and just do what I gotta do. If you see an angry Dominican walking along Fourth Avenue before dawn just steer clear.

3- I've joined up with other bloggers/twitter friends on that 30-Day Ab Challenge I mentioned yesterday, which will be a true test of my ability to workout at home. I have limited space and even less discipline (especially if no one is standing over me yelling "COME ON, PENZO! GET THAT FAT ASS OFF THE GROUND!) but it is something I am going to have to overcome ::sings Negro spirituals::

4- Sundays will find me cooking and food shopping as if a hurricane's a-comin'! I find that it's always when I don't have anything convenient to make for dinner that the credit card comes out and the Dominoes appears at my door.

5- I don't have a #5 but yesterday I did a list with only THREE items... you can't expect me to only have one with FOUR today. My entire world will implode. Is that what you want? An imploded Jaded Empire?!?!?!

So this is it; this is how I shall greet the holidays: fit & fabulous! I'll have a regular, sustainable routine and you will BOW DOWN TO MY AWESOMENESS once I reach my fabulous goal (which now has an ETA of May 23, 2012). You will wish you were me. You will cry in your pillow because you can't be me and you will hide ya kids, ya wives AND ya husbands from the greatness that is Healthy Jaded.

OR you'll make sure and read the blog all next week in order to get your shit on point, too, as I devote it to all things fitness. Just one week, though, I promise, then I'll go back to yelling at kids on the subway and threatening your lives.

*smooches...ready for the homestretch*
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this must be what it feels like to run a race...you start out strong, start to lose it somewhere in the middle and then see the finish line and get this sudden surge of determination...

Three Challenges (A Devil's Number Post)

I always do things in fives, but today I'm going to step out of my comfort zone and try something different: a list of three things I'm working toward November. Very simply...

1- I'm participating in a 30 Day Abs Challenge organized by my twitter bud @thrutheblue.

2- This year, I'm taking NaNoWriMo seriously and completing the first draft of my novel.

3- Come February 2012, I will get my full tax refund; it will no longer get hijacked by Sallie Mae n dem.

That is all.

*smooches...hoping your bad juju stays away from me*
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normally I don't let you all up in my specifics, but again, I'm trying something new. I hope when you wish me well you ACTUALLY wish me well.

A Healthy Fear Of Death

I know that everything that lives must die. I know this. I was a pretty good biology student (listen- you repeat a class twice you get DARN GOOD at it!). It doesn't mean I have to be present for the dying process.

I don't like visiting sick and/or dying people in hospitals. The elderly creep me out. People with certain mental (or other) challenges make me uncomfortable. And funerals? Yeah, don't even bother inviting me. Anything that can be construed as or even hints of "death" needs to stay far away from me.

Today I heard that someone I know, who previously found cancer in their lungs, now has it in their brain. This is, of course, horrible news. I KNOW THIS. But the minute Mami said, "So are they still in the hospital? When are you going to visit?" My knee-jerk response is "Who said I was going to the hospital?" And that was followed by a lecture on how I need to get over it and visit because nothing helps a person heal faster than people showing they care. And I get this, too. It helps to lift people's spirits.

But Mami also forced me to visit my uncle/godfather Angelo in the hospital when he was dying of AIDS and that was horrifying for me. I was just a kid! (OK, maybe I was 18 but still. A KID!) And you can ask anyone present at my grandmother's funeral I DON'T DO WELL WITH DEATH.

Honestly, I don't want to look into the eyes of someone who knows their time is up. I don't have anything to offer except my fear and discomfort. And I know this part is stupid and not possible because, again, I was a pretty good biology student, but I DON'T WANT TO CATCH IT! I don't want to breath death's air! OH MY GOD I'm sorry to say it but it's how I feel! I don't want that chill up my spine. I don't want to hear a deathbed confession. I don't want to see what the cancer is going to do to them and frankly, I shouldn't have to!

My grandmother, YES OF COURSE I took the next flight out to see her entombed because that woman raised me and I loved her like no other. That funeral I HAD TO attend. But you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone outside of my immediate family to get me near a grave again.

It sounds selfish, I know, and I should get over it because everyone dies and I cannot avoid funerals forever. And I'm truly sorry that this person is really ill right now, but... man, when Mami drags me to that hospital it's all I'll be able to do to not have a full-blown anxiety attack.

*smooches...hoping the treatments work*
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then I'd have nothing to worry about because they'll be home. Selfish, I know...

Understanding Life

I might have mentioned before that every Friday I get an inspirational email from Brian Delmenico of Circuit of Change and besides the transformation stories on Mark's Daily Apple (and the fact that the weekends begin at 5PM!) it's why Friday brings me much joy.

This morning's email did not disappoint.

I have a bunch of things I'm trying to accomplish at the same time before the New Year that I won't go into but it's keeping me pretty busy. And whenever I get to the point where I'm like UGH FUCK THIS WHOLE SHIT! I'LL JUST BE A BUM! something always brings me back. Brian's email was that 'something' today:

When I was 5 years old, my
mom always told me that
happiness was the key to life.
When I went to school, they
asked me what I wanted to be
when I grew up.
I wrote down "Happy."
They told me that I didn't
understand the assignment.
I told them they didn't
understand life. - author unknown

I won't be giving up. I, too, want to grow up to be happy.

*smooches...wishing you much progress on your dreams*
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you know I can't be fully happy unless y'all are happy, too! Here- HAPPINESS FOR EVERYONE!

Sometimes I Miss...

...being pregnant. Something about having that massive, solid belly upon which I could rest things (plates, books, etc) was so comforting. I mean, up until the eighth month when all you want is to reach in and rip that rumbly-tumbly child out yourself.

...having long hair. It wasn't too long ago but I miss having it hang down my back. I miss whipping it around on the dance floor during heavy metal sets at a dive bar.

...that day. That age. That close-knit family that saw each other all the time and spent every summer and school holiday together. And that woman, especially.

...these wittle baby fwaces!

...Dominican house parties: too much food, music busting out your eardrums, half-drunk Heineken bottles everywhere and inappropriate dancing with grabby dudes (well, maybe not that last part).

*smooches...reminiscing on a rainy day*
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what do you miss?