Journey To Di Road: Day 6 | This Is Why I Stopped Blogging

I did not love myself this weekend. I was not good to my body. I broke all the promises I made to myself. I continue feeding this cycle of unhealthy behaviors and somehow think "tomorrow will be different" without any real action on my part.

This isn't just about my health, this applies to my career, finances, relationships--you name it. One day, I was reading over my blog and realized, I hadn't grown as a person at all. I hadn't learned from my mistakes and I hadn't taken any real steps to change my situation. I was still coasting through life, and all I had to show for it was nearly 2,000 blog posts of First World Whining. So I quit. And now I'm sitting here wondering why I ever started back again--just to remind myself how dumb I am?

I mean, I could sit here and explain how the heat is sparse in my apartment and that makes me not want to do anything, but the not doing anything is why I'm still stuck in this drafty apartment 11 years later. But that's just another excuse. I did attempt to make better choices: I made oatmeal for breakfast on Saturday, and at the movies on Sunday (we saw HIDDEN FIGURES and it was wonderful). I didn't have my usual popcorn and slushie. However, that's only because we went to Bareburger first and made pigs of ourselves.

Saturday Breakfast | Sunday Lunch

Then there was a whole spaghetti and rice and garlic bread and ice cream and pound cake situation that I really don't want to get into.

I did go food shopping, though, and I made a beef stew for dinner tonight (which I ate too late but still, it wasn't the pizza and wings I really truly wanted). Slow cookers are a godsend.

This is Day 6.

Breakfast: eight ounces of lobster butternut squash bisque from The Soup Bowl in Park Slope. I really wanted a bacon, egg, and cheese on a roll, but I opted for soup. I don't know which one was worse for me.
Snack: one of those Plantar's salted peanuts packets from the snack drawer.
Lunch: beef and broccoli + seltzer water
Victories: I didn't get that bacon, egg, and cheese on a roll, NOR did I get the pizza and wings I craved for dinner.
WOMP Moments: didn't go to the gym; didn't get enough sleep; didn't drink enough water; ate TWO bags of chips from the snack drawer at work. And I'm about to have some ice cream. I WON'T BE STOPPED.

Right now, besides the ice cream, I'm going to take my vitamins/supplements. Then I'm going to pack my lunch for tomorrow, right after I make an "egg pie" for tomorrow's breakfast. Then I'm going to shower, then I'm going to read, while the cast of MOANA accompanies me. Good night.

Journey To Di Road: Day 3 | McDonald's...

Yesterday did not go as planned, again.

At the movies (PS- MOANA is freakin' awesome and if you haven't seen it, whether or not you have a lil one, please get your life!), I told myself "order the ginger ale; it's gotta be better than the slushie." But then I promptly reminded myself to shut the fuck up because blue raspberry slushies were sent from the gods for us to enjoy here on earth. This was my actual thought process. I'm trying to help y'all understand how I ended up 55lbs overweight.

So I got the slushie. Plus a popcorn (to share!) and, well, a hot dog. As I was buying it, I told myself that this was my dinner. It was a crappy one, but I wasn't going to go home and cook so late at night and then eat and then go to sleep with that full belly, no way. Might as well just eat a crappy frank and call it a night.

But after the movie, and after traipsing through the Disney Store buying some MOANA merch, N and I made a fatal decision: we hopped on the D train instead of waiting for the F. Why is this important? Because the walk home from the D puts us in the line of fire of the Golden Arches. And we SURE DID GO IN THERE AND ORDER FOOD. She, a Big Mac meal; me, three-piece chicken strips and a medium fry (no drink, like it mattered at that point, but I just wasn't in the mood for a soda, and I can drink water at home for free).

And after I got home and shoved my face with all that salty goodness (LISTEN. McDonald's fries will NOT be defeated!), I half-heartedly worked on my monthly newsletter (due out this morning; Spoiler Alert: it was late!), then proceeded to play Panda Pop on my phone until I passed out from a sodium-induced coma. I'm failing at life so desperately, it's not even funny.

This is Day 3.

Breakfast: some trash-ass oatmeal from the cafe at work in an attempt to be healthy; I didn't even finish it
Snack: nothing today; I ate breakfast rather late
Lunch: something called a "Wild Chicken Bowl" from one of those fancy-schmancy health food/juice bars near work (of which I only managed to eat half because I swear they put a whole forest of kale in the bowl); it had CASHEW NUT CHEESE, which I consider my punishment for last night's debacle

The Wild Chichen Salad from Fuel Juice Bar, BK

Victories: took my supplements/vitamins; did not have candy from the work snack drawer; actually wrote this blog
WOMP Moments: didn't go to the gym; didn't get enough sleep; didn't drink enough water; don't have solid plans for dinner.

Are you seeing the pattern? Yeah, me, too, also, as well.

Tonight I will likely hang out with a friend, but it's the kind of friend that, if I say DO NOT LET ME EAT THAT SHIT, they, you know, won't let me eat that shit. I have high hopes. I might also get some food shopping done. I might also cook. I might also write.

I might also say FUCK IT ALL and lay around watching IT'S ALWAYS SUNNY IN PHILADELPHIA all night. Who. Knows.

But let's all say a collective prayer that I love myself enough to be kind to my body, mind, and soul, instead.

*smooches...with a headache creeping, threatening the night*
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look at that; I'm already thinking up an excuse to be a sloth tonight

Journey To Di Road: Day 2 | Ain't A Damn Thing Changed

I've decided that this week is a wash. I put too much pressure on myself and that led to an anxiety spiral. [This shit is out of control; I need to learn how to chill!].

So if I end up doing anything in the gym tomorrow or over the weekend, I'll consider it a huge deal.

In the meantime...

This is Day 2.

B12, Vitamin D, Biotin, Probiotic.

Breakfast: eggs and queso frito, water to drink
Snack: one of those awful Nature Valley oats & honey bars (that is more crumb than it is bar), and a mint tea (plain)
Lunch: turkey burger (on a regular bun), sweet potato fries, pickles, water
Victories: took my supplements/vitamins; did not have candy from the work snack drawer; actually wrote this blog
WOMP Moments: didn't go to the gym; didn't get enough sleep; didn't drink enough water; don't have solid plans for dinner.

I'm headed to the movies tonight, so listen, I won't even lie: there will be popcorn and quite possibly a slushie in my future. I will try and resist, but... slushie...

However, I do have three things on my agenda for after: wash dishes, cook tomorrow's lunch and dinner, work on my novel. DASSIT. I can't promise anything beyond that, and I truly hope nothing goes down tonight to fuck up these meager plans.

It takes very little for me to give up and log on to Netflix.

*smooches...off to a ROCKY start*
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a ROCKY start, get it? ROCKY? Because my name is ROCKY? Eh? Eh?

Journey To Di Road: Day 1 | A Healthy Jaded Series

My fellow blog-ericans...it's been a minute. With apps like Instagram and Snapchat, I just felt this communication platform outliving its usefulness. Until now.

But first, we dance.



So remember a couple years back how excited I was to play mas on the parkway, only to have my dreams snatched by the Sesame Flyers Mas Camp who never made my costume, even though I paid in full with 650 American dollars? No? Well, that was a thing. And it broke my heart. I worked out. I ate as well as I could. I was beyond excited at the thought of being IN a parade. And when it didn't happen, I cried bitter tears in my room before just going to the beach and trying to put it out of my mind. I haven't been to a socacize class since then, partly because my spirits were dampened and partly because I needed distance from that whole world.

This year, the West Indian Day Parade is turning 50. It's a huge thing. With two years separating me from my major humiliation, which I shall call COSTUME-GATE, I'm ready to try again (with a different camp, of course. Sesame Flyers is DEAD TO ME FOR LIFE, YO!). But one thing stands between me and the skimpiest of bedazzled, be-feathered bikinis: I currently weigh in at a whopping 225lbs.

Not even I'm ready for this jelly...

Yes, my dears, your girl has given in to anxiety and eaten herself unhealthy. A flight of stairs finds me desperately out of breath. Any attempt at previous levels of cardio exertion causes weird irregular heartbeats. Bending over to tie my shoes is incredibly difficult and painful. Even yoga has become a chore for me, as any flexibility and strength I ever had has disappeared under 55lbs of fat. FIFTY-FIVE-MOTHER-FUCKING-POUNDS. I should be taken out back and horsewhipped.

Because I know this is not me, this is not my comfortable, happy size, I've decided to use the Labor Day festivities as a catalyst to get me back in the gym and back under a better eating plan. I have to keep my focus on NOT becoming a diabetic and NOT having a weight-induced heart attack and NOT developing high blood pressure, all things prevalent in my family. I don't want my last days to be peppered with doctor appointments and a trough of medications. And if vanity is the way to get me motivated, then dammit, let's do this!

SO THIS IS DAY ONE.

• Breakfast: mangu, salami, queso frito, scrambled eggs
• Lunch: 2 tacos (one fish, one grilled chicken), chips, guac, seltzer
• Victories: took my supplements/vitamins; did not have candy from the work snack drawer (had an apple instead); actually wrote this blog
• WOMP Moments: didn't go to the gym; drank coffee to wake up; didn't drink enough water; don't have solid plans for dinner.

My meals have been...not the best and I didn't go to the gym this morning after a low-grade anxiety attack prevented me from leaving the house. My plans for after-work gym time is not looking likely, either, because I can feel that anxiety attack creeping up on me as I type this; I've opted, instead, to walk home, briskly, as my physical activity for the day. I will meal prep tonight for tomorrow. I will get to bed- not my sofa, but my actual bed- by midnight. That's all I can muster right now.

But check back daily as I document this experience, YET AGAIN, through September.

Also, welcome back.




*smooches...to old friends and new*
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Did you miss me? Don't answer that because comments are closed lol

Missing You.

"There's a club- the Dead Dads Club- and you can't be in it until you're in it..."

I torture myself with this episode of Grey's Anatomy because it's what I do. And Christmas came and went and I didn't hear Papi's voice.

All of the "firsts" after someone dies are so ridiculously hard. One minute you're having a great time, and next thing you know, it hits you: part of your heart, or soul, is missing.

Sending my love to all of us in the Dead Dads Club. I'm sorry we all had to join.