Technology Deprivation SUCKS!... And Other #FirstWorldProblems

>>Although I told myself I'd stop getting on the scale...I got on the scale. But WOOHOO it was good news so it's okay- I'm at 185 which brings my total weightloss to 12lbs. IN YO FACE, HYDROXYCUT!! Only thing is, now I have to step up my workouts and such and, well, I DON'T WANNA!

>>The Jaded NYer (blog) has a milestone birthday coming up in the fall and we're celebrating it! Most of you will be invited. A lot of you won't. Most of it is already planned or set. Now I just have to figure out what to wear, how my hair should look and oh yeah HOW WILL I PAY FOR IT ALL?!

>>I have three computers: an old Vaio on permanent loan from Minnie that isn't hooked up to the 'net; Joshua, my seven-year-old Dell desktop; and Joshua II, my wittle-biddy-baby HP laptop. They're all being douche-like these days and so I'm behind on my TV watching. And internet surfing. And Pandora listening. I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS!

>>Esteban, my Blackberry Tour, is also being a douche...he keeps telling me I have four new messages when, in fact, I have ZERO. Also, I can't stream music or play games for long periods of time AND I can't see a lot of sites or videos. Little fucker costs a bundle and can't do SHIT ALL WHAT I NEED IT TO DO. (oh wait- it makes and receives calls, though...but still!)

>>My uterus hurts. Okay, maybe not my uterus, but something in the uterine region. AGAIN. I'm trying to avoid WebMD and my fake medical degree from the Guam School of Not-Real Medicine is telling me it's a UTI only because it's a similar pain. But I'm not getting any penile injections in my girly parts these days, and haven't since four score and seven years ago, so please explain HOW CAN SOMETHING THAT SEES NO ACTION BE SO MUCH TROUBLE?!

*smooches...spewing some randomness on a Wednesday*
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maybe tomorrow I'll come with the sunshine or the funny. maybe.

That Penzo Dude Appeared In A Dream

I want you all to know that just because I'm getting more sleep these days and have stopped eating full meals at 3:00 AM doesn't mean that I still don't have crazy dreams. Because I do. The only difference is that I forget or run out of time to write them down.

However I found notes on a dream I had a while ago. It was one of those vivid dreams where you wake up thinking it really happened. Basically I was at some party and there are some other Penzos there, too. Cousins, aunts, etc. Then my biological paternal parental unit approaches me and I turn my back like, "Negro please, I ain't got nothing to say to you. I don't need you." and he's all "Clearly you do because your mom obviously didn't teach you any manners or to respect people."

To say I woke up mad is an understatement! I was like DID THIS ASSHOLE JUST INSULT MY MOTHER?!?! I was two seconds from going to WAR with this man, and while I may have cause to keep him out of my life, the tirade of profanities I had lined up was all due to my subconscious.

After about five minutes I realized, "Wait- was that real?" and then quietly sat back down when it hit me; "No, it was just a dream."

Funny how even in a sleep state I don't like that man.

*smooches...still laughing at my reaction*
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seriously, though, it's a good thing I don't have his phone number because it was about to be ON!

Words From The Stall, Vol. 3

In the middle of hanging at the bar, watching ESPN, making fun of hipsters and stealing kisses, I was still second-guessing my reason for being there. He is looking to be all in, but what am I looking for?

And of course, a trip to the bathroom didn't help bring any clarity to the situation.



I knew there was a reason why I hated public restrooms!

*smooches...wondering when it all got so complicated*
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remember when a boy would just pull a bra strap & sorta claim you as his? le sigh

Jaded Photographs 2011: July Edition

"Burt & May-Lin"

*smooches...with a drop of envy*
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if these two nobodys can find each other... le sigh...

The Jaded Guide To Getting That Man!

In my daily travels, people never ask me for are always asking my advice on matters of the heart, namely, how to attract and hold on to a special fella. The following conversation with Smarty P. Jones pretty much sums up my answer:

Smarty P. Jomes: How come responsible people always be gettin' punished #nshit? Yes I said, "be gettin'!" You tax single people to high hell, good girls always end up with bad guys, hos get all the quality paynus...I don't wanna be good no more! I'mma be SO bad, my subjects and verbs won't agree! #badtothebone

ME: oookay then... *backs away slowly*

SPJ: Word.

ME: I must add, though- when I treat dudes like shit, they want me so much more *smh*

SPJ: Mmhmm. I'mma start doing that. Just rude for no fucking reason
Him: Good morning.
Me: O_o

ME: lol

SPJ: Watch. I'mma be beatin' 'em off me

ME: No, it's more like...
Him: I love your hair like that.
Me: Shut up and fuck me!

SPJ: O_O!!! #youwin #idontwannaplaynomo

ME: You don't wanna be so mean that they leave.

SPJ: Ahh ...

ME: Just enough that they question themselves for staying.

SPJ: Rudeness peppered with nekkid activities and dry sandwiches

ME: ...And use that pussy like a Venus fly trap on dem hos!

SPJ: #gotit #_#

ME: Throw in a random homemade meal- for no good reason- and that ni**a ain't going nowhere!

SPJ: Lmao!
Me: You want some fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy?
Him: We going to KFC?
Me: We going to the kitchen.
Him: O_O! *dreamy look*
Me: Now STFU and eat this chicken!

ME: Right.

SPJ: *nods* Got it.

ME: And when he's annoying and clingy, hit 'em with a "go call your boys and watch a game or some shit. I'm busy!" He might just propose... Sex, food & sports- it's all a ni**a want/need.

SPJ: Wait, I'm always the clingy one.

ME: THEN STOP THAT SHIT!

Tiffany: O_O! *cues up Tweet's "Sports, Sex and Food" in the iPod*



*smooches...wishing you a man-filled weekend*
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and if you're a hetero dude...well...I wish you lots of sports, sex and food.