A Healthy Fear Of Death

I know that everything that lives must die. I know this. I was a pretty good biology student (listen- you repeat a class twice you get DARN GOOD at it!). It doesn't mean I have to be present for the dying process.

I don't like visiting sick and/or dying people in hospitals. The elderly creep me out. People with certain mental (or other) challenges make me uncomfortable. And funerals? Yeah, don't even bother inviting me. Anything that can be construed as or even hints of "death" needs to stay far away from me.

Today I heard that someone I know, who previously found cancer in their lungs, now has it in their brain. This is, of course, horrible news. I KNOW THIS. But the minute Mami said, "So are they still in the hospital? When are you going to visit?" My knee-jerk response is "Who said I was going to the hospital?" And that was followed by a lecture on how I need to get over it and visit because nothing helps a person heal faster than people showing they care. And I get this, too. It helps to lift people's spirits.

But Mami also forced me to visit my uncle/godfather Angelo in the hospital when he was dying of AIDS and that was horrifying for me. I was just a kid! (OK, maybe I was 18 but still. A KID!) And you can ask anyone present at my grandmother's funeral I DON'T DO WELL WITH DEATH.

Honestly, I don't want to look into the eyes of someone who knows their time is up. I don't have anything to offer except my fear and discomfort. And I know this part is stupid and not possible because, again, I was a pretty good biology student, but I DON'T WANT TO CATCH IT! I don't want to breath death's air! OH MY GOD I'm sorry to say it but it's how I feel! I don't want that chill up my spine. I don't want to hear a deathbed confession. I don't want to see what the cancer is going to do to them and frankly, I shouldn't have to!

My grandmother, YES OF COURSE I took the next flight out to see her entombed because that woman raised me and I loved her like no other. That funeral I HAD TO attend. But you'd be hard-pressed to find anyone outside of my immediate family to get me near a grave again.

It sounds selfish, I know, and I should get over it because everyone dies and I cannot avoid funerals forever. And I'm truly sorry that this person is really ill right now, but... man, when Mami drags me to that hospital it's all I'll be able to do to not have a full-blown anxiety attack.

*smooches...hoping the treatments work*
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then I'd have nothing to worry about because they'll be home. Selfish, I know...

Understanding Life

I might have mentioned before that every Friday I get an inspirational email from Brian Delmenico of Circuit of Change and besides the transformation stories on Mark's Daily Apple (and the fact that the weekends begin at 5PM!) it's why Friday brings me much joy.

This morning's email did not disappoint.

I have a bunch of things I'm trying to accomplish at the same time before the New Year that I won't go into but it's keeping me pretty busy. And whenever I get to the point where I'm like UGH FUCK THIS WHOLE SHIT! I'LL JUST BE A BUM! something always brings me back. Brian's email was that 'something' today:

When I was 5 years old, my
mom always told me that
happiness was the key to life.
When I went to school, they
asked me what I wanted to be
when I grew up.
I wrote down "Happy."
They told me that I didn't
understand the assignment.
I told them they didn't
understand life. - author unknown

I won't be giving up. I, too, want to grow up to be happy.

*smooches...wishing you much progress on your dreams*
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you know I can't be fully happy unless y'all are happy, too! Here- HAPPINESS FOR EVERYONE!

Sometimes I Miss...

...being pregnant. Something about having that massive, solid belly upon which I could rest things (plates, books, etc) was so comforting. I mean, up until the eighth month when all you want is to reach in and rip that rumbly-tumbly child out yourself.

...having long hair. It wasn't too long ago but I miss having it hang down my back. I miss whipping it around on the dance floor during heavy metal sets at a dive bar.

...that day. That age. That close-knit family that saw each other all the time and spent every summer and school holiday together. And that woman, especially.

...these wittle baby fwaces!

...Dominican house parties: too much food, music busting out your eardrums, half-drunk Heineken bottles everywhere and inappropriate dancing with grabby dudes (well, maybe not that last part).

*smooches...reminiscing on a rainy day*
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what do you miss?

Lineage

Yesterday, Twitter featured a "Dominican Problems" trending topic that was supposed to feature some funny/true issues unique to Dominican people. There were silly ones, ignorant ones and some that served as social commentary, and it was the latter that made me write this post.

When there are funny TTs on Twitter and they're harmless enough, I share them with K because we have a similar sense of humor. When I told her about "Dominican Problems" (which was probably fashioned after the "Meatball Problems" list from the reality TV show "Jersey Shore") she quickly retorted, "Oh, you mean like: I don't have enough money to support my three families?"

And of course I burst out laughing (because it's true) but then it made me sad that this is Ks impression of her people (because, well, it's true!).

Earlier this year we found out about my mother's grandfather, who had 40+ kids with three different women in La Descubierta. Let me explain this so you'll understand: La Descubierta is a small-ass town. It's the equivalent of a three-block radius in Rhode Island. SMALL. The cojones on this man...

Tie this in with the fact that my paternal grandmother had kids with three different men (and the Penzo dude that gave us our name was married to someone else when he fathered my father, aunts and uncles. Meaning my grandmother was his mistress. FOR SHAME!) and Mami & Titi Gloris have different dads (as do Mari & I) and well, K doesn't think too highly of Dominicans from the island (her words, not mine).

All she sees right now is infidelities and secret families and philandering husbands and single mothers, and I wish I could show her a different reality but those are few and far between (in ANY culture, unfortunately). I want her to be proud of her heritage, and I think on some small level she is, but she has no faith in the Dominican family structure.

It was never my intention to raise a Jaded child, but with ancestors like ours... ::sigh::

*smooches...not loving DRs reputation right now*
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it's all a big joke until your child points out your people's ain't-shit-ness

What's Your Point Again?

By now we've all been inundated with reports about protests down on Wall Street (and apparently in other NYC locations and states), but I'm wondering how many of us even know WHY they're protesting?

Personally I have no clue why these random hippies have decided to camp out near my favorite Sephora store and Halal food carts, but rumor has it they're mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore! They are the 99%, GODDAMMIT, and they will be heard!!! About what? Your guess is as good as mine.

I've been to their website and read what I could but still, all I've learned is that there are lots of unemployed degree-holders in these streets and that corporate America is a mean ol' poopie-faced meanie.

Whatever it is that's got these unemployed Harvard grads' panties in a bunch, it can't help that they appear to be rather disorganized. I even asked around and I got the same answer- they're not doing anything other than sitting in and occupying a public space. How are you protesting for MONTHS and don't have an actual plan of action? Didn't you go to school? ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU KEEP BITCHING ABOUT- your over-priced education that no one forced you to take out loans for and now you don't feel like paying back? Then put something on paper! What are your demands, Blake? What are you going to do if those demands aren't met, Tristan? What exactly do you want Wall Street to do to get you to shower and quit ruining the sacred WTC money machine memorial so that King Bloomberg can continue to pimp us out to tourists from Omaha, Becky?

"...they are as a whole uninformed about things. And not addressing the real issues- racism, sexism, classism- because they are too busy beating on drums." -The F#$k-it List

That's what this protest is missing- a clear plan made up of possible solutions to the real problems affecting our economy. Until there is one I doubt the Wall Street fat cats will take them seriously. You're not hitting them where it hurts, crazy hippies, so they'll continue to step over you after the market closes, down some sushi & beer on John Street, run to catch the PATH train and head home to their fancy NJ estate.

And you will continue to be the butt of every joke.

*smooches...99 percent sure you haven't occupied shit, hippies*
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call me when the protest gets real; I have a couple of vacation days I can take & a tambora I can borrow from N.

And shout out to Russell "Blood Diamond" Simmons and Kanye "Imma Let You Finish" West for standing with the hippies in solidarity. For a couple of hours before they flew off in a private jet and feasted on Taiwanese virgins. #sarcasm