My Friends Bring Me Peace

Yesterday afternoon I actually left my house, put on a dress and a full face of makeup, took my hair out of their Celie braids, and celebrated the book release of my homie and Fake Dominican sister, Blu Daniels. Her novel, Misconceptions, has been a long time coming, went through a trillion revisions, crossed many agents' and editors' hands and is FINALLY in book form. I'm so proud of her hard work, diligence and determination, and we look so cute when we step away from the computer and clean up for photo ops:

BIG UP BROOKLYN!

I must admit, at the time of the party, I'd only read a few pages of the book. People, I have ZERO TIME for luxuries like reading, sleeping, breathing... but last night, after N went to bed I figured, eh, why not? Let me step away from the computer, put my Spotify on shuffle, and see what the hell this book was talkin' 'bout.

I fell asleep shortly after, but then I woke up at 3am (the lights & music were still on), went to pee and thought, eh, might as well keep reading.

This is how I live my life these days. As if sleep is this annoyance that isn't necessary in my life. Sometimes I swear I need a hot slap right across the jaw.

Anyways, sometime around 7am I had to stop reading to get N ready for school, but for about four straight hours I wasn't checking my email, FB or The Twitter; I wasn't watching natural hair videos or "Golden Girls" reruns on YouTube; I wasn't stuffing my face with non-Paleo bullshit. I was just propped up on pillows, under the covers, reading a book.

It was a beautiful thing.

Thanks, Blu, for that much-needed moment of zen (even if I did crash at 7:30 this morning and was very late for work).

*smooches...just for Blu and her new book*
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in other news, I look like someone's fat auntie in that pic. no more photos until I drop a dress size. that is all.

Back In The Saddle Again: A Healthy Jaded Update

I was tempted to not label this a Healthy Jaded update, because I'm anything BUT healthy. As I type this, my chair is struggling to hold up all 200lbs of me. Yes, 200lbs. Remember when I was so happy to have finally reached the 170s? It feels like eons ago that I wore a two-piece for the first time since my teen years. And now, now I look as if Mari and Irene should be throwing me a baby shower next month.

How did I get here (again)? So many little reasons that basically add up to: I have no healthy coping skills for stressful situations and life's disappointments. For me, it's always food that soothes me, and that can be as addictive and dangerous as whatever the drug du jour is that kids are stockpiling.

I've been here before. 200lbs is always my "rock bottom" where I realize that this could easily double if I don't do something right this minute. I don't want to be featured on "My 600lb Life" or have to show my gut on "The Biggest Loser." I think it really hit me when a certain gentleman caller asked me out and I told him I was too fat to be seen.  Ridiculous, right? But this is where I am.

So now it's time to take action before I end up as the obese, bitter, crazy old lady at the end of the block that kids try and mess with on Halloween. I'm a bit more limited in what I can do physically these days, but my favorite activities are still okay, like dancing and swimming. Yoga...well, my PT was on the fence about yoga, and that made me sad. However, if I can strengthen my core some then MAYBE I'll get the green light to go back in the studio and downward dog my stress away.

In the meantime, I will take advantage of the people around me who live, breathe and eat FITNESS and WELLNESS, and start back on a better path. Forty is too close for comfort; I can't greet it with this fake baby belly.

*smooches...hoping this is the last time I start over*
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my poor body can't take much more abuse!

I Saw My Ex's Wedding Video On YouTube

No, not my ex-husband--don't nobody give a rat's ass about that marriage (which, by the way, is already over!). But rather the ex that launched me into the blogosphere in the first place. The one I dated the minute after I ended my marriage. The one responsible for The Breakup Heard Around the World.

I won't sit here and lie and say I was devastated or anything, but there was a sense of melancholy. I wasn't sure why at first. As I watched it I smiled and laughed and was genuinely moved by the video, but then I got in my feelings.

I don't miss him. I don't want him. And when he contacted me a couple of years ago to "get coffee" I gave my phone a side-eye and brushed him off. I made a conscious choice not to engage in whatever that cup of coffee was going to entail. Not because I was still mad or bitter but because what would have been the point? We weren't great friends or anything. Nothing was lost after we split.

Now, I will always remember that he was the best lay EVER. As in EVER. As in NO ONE I've slept with before or since him has measured up. He has the game on lock. The rest of y'all should take lessons from him. Seriously. But that wasn't enough then and now, when I really couldn't care less about carnal activities, it's definitely not enough. So it's not about him. I wish him well and hope he'll be happy with his wife (and new baby boy...yes, my stalker skills are top level).

It's more about me being in the same place where he left me--literally. Same apartment. Same financial status. Same health issues and fatness. Same attitude problems and same issues with men and sex. Watching his wedding video and knowing who he was and how much he's (seemingly) grown makes me feel stunted and unaccomplished. Like I didn't deserve the pedestal he had initially put me on. Like I don't deserve the praise and accolades a lot of you bestow upon me today. I HAVEN'T REALLY DONE ANYTHING BUT SURVIVED. And maybe that's enough for some, but it makes me feel like a failure at life.

Everything around me changes and me? I'm still here, googling shit I know I shouldn't be googling, and then getting in my feelings when I find it.

*smooches...deciding not to look up any more exes*
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child if I find out that Mr. Baseball has a wife and baby you may have to come over and sedate me...

Pretty Ni**as

FRIEND: Look at how cute this guy is:



FRIEND: The only thing is he has intermittent facial hair.

ME: I could look past that, however he looks like the type of negro that will rock your socks off BUT have 30 bitches on the side.

FRIEND: It's the thin nose and lips; untrustworthy.

ME: Mhmm. Pretty ni**as always act up.

FRIEND: Mmhmm.

ME: Don't let him have "good" hair. Sheeeeiiiiiittttttt, you'll only see him every other Thursday, talkin' bout "I'm in the studio, bae!"

FRIEND: O_o That's why I don't deal with 'em. I can't take any dude seriously who would be considered mainstream attractive. Like, if a fine dude try to holla at me, I'd catch an attitude. "The fuck you want?!"

ME: LMAO!!! yeah. I like my black men beaten, bruised and with low self-esteem. I need to be the baddest bitch in this relationship, bruh.

FRIEND: Ma'am!

*smooches...lowering my standards in the name of comedy*
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or am I?

In Memoriam: RIP Avery Bishop, My LG Cosmos

I guess the day many of you were waiting for finally arrived: Avery gone, y'all, our ni**a dead!

Yes, after about four or five years of loyal service and impeccable performance, my LG Cosmos had to be put down. It was a crazy, hectic Saturday, where things weren't going as planned, no one showed up to my writing workshop and I was on the rag. And then, right in the middle of barely giving a fuck about teaching this class, the screen wigged out. Le sigh. Poor Avery; she tried to hang in there, still taking calls and texts, but in the end we both knew it was time to say goodbye.

I'll never forget her

"Avery wasn't the ratchet type. She never sent X-rated photos and certainly refused to accept them. Once in a while she participated in flirty texts, but her whole purpose was to bring simplicity and order into my life. Occasionally she snapped a shot of a beautiful Brooklyn sunset, or tweeted something witty on the fly, but mostly she kept me connected in the most minimally intrusive way possible. Avery, girl, we've been through it, even a freakin' hurricane, and you never lost connection or battery life. I'm going to miss you."

So, you guys, Avery wouldn't want us to shed any tears. She was a true G that way. Instead, she'd want you all to welcome her replacement, Peter "Petey" DiVoli, my new LG Cosmos 3.

Petey in his fancy grey suit

And be nice, because we suspect he has mob ties, but we were afraid to ask...

*smooches...spillin a lil ginger tea for Avery*
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feel free to leave your memories of Avery in the comments