Thursday, April 30, 2009

Celibacy Still Intact, Dammit

The following is based on a text message conversation with Jack on 4/27/09:

JACK: ...so you know you can't keep claiming celibacy anymore now, right?

ME:
Yes I can! There was no orgasm or full-on activities, just a sampling of the goods


JACK:
Considering those prerequisites, you've actually been celibate longer than you've claimed.


*smooches...mad as hell...because he's right*
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and right there is one of the reasons why I became celibate; just kept running into dudes with no skills who, in all actuality, were beneath me (and not in a good way)!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Home Depot Mini Photo Blog

For those that don't know, Mami bought a house in Union, NJ, so I've been helping her maneuver through the craziness that is getting a house ready, moving, etc. As if I know!

(I mean I can paint a few rooms and help her layout the furniture just right, but that lawnmower in the garage? I think it threatened to eat my children. And the basement? It told me to GET OUT!)

But when Mari was here Easter weekend we went to Home Depot to talk about paint and bathroom fixtures, etc, and ran across a trio of, um, blogable people. Oh how I love the blogable people of the Tri-State Area. Seriously, they make me smile so hard!

Side note- you know what's really funny? Mami will see something weird and encourage me to capture the pic and then blog it! She's insane. Now it's officially known where I get it from.

And now, prepare yourself for...

Jersey Hair To The 300th Power
Feast your eyes on this HOT GHETTO MESSSSSSSS!





Is she kidding me with this 'do? Really, lady? You got up a whole extra hour that morning to do THAT?

Travis Left Gym Class Heroes?
And decided to mix paint at Home Depot? Let me find out the band broke up...



Why did he have the only attitude, though? He's lucky he didn't bring it our way- when me, Mami and Mari are together, sheeeiiiit, you can just imagine the stankness level.

Babatunde Disguised As Jerome
Mari had me IN TEARS making fun of this dude who took care of us...



his name tag said Jerome but his accent was HEAVY... he had to be from Haiti or the motherland for real... Mari is just all kinds of wrong!

Ahhh, Jersey... At first I was upset that you stole Mami away from me but now, I see why you've come back into my life after a decade; I suspect you will be keeping this blog in business for years to come.

*smooches...anticipating my next trip across the river*
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this summer will be very interesting to say the least... I can't WAIT!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

I Officially Declare This Season Of Monday Musings Over

Hey dearies!

I know some of you come over here on Tuesdays to see what craziness happened on the show the previous night... well, let me tell you- this time it was craziness to beat all craziness:

I canceled the show and am officially on hiatus.

I can sit here and try to give diplomatic reasons why and say I'll use the extra time to work out or be with my kids or finish my thesis, pero la mera verdad is that I'm tired.

Tired of making big plans only to have them poop all over my head.

This show was my baby but I have to admit defeat right now because hosting it has been kicking my ass since I began in September.

So I'm going to take the summer off, regroup and re-evaluate if I even want to continue with the show, keep the format or change it, etc. Perhaps with more preparation on my end it will be smooth sailing and not this hodgepodge of confusion that I deal with every week. Who knows- it's all up in the air right now.

Next week I'm going to try for a reunion/recap special of sorts (if I can figure out some technology stuff- wish me luck!!) but other than that, I hope you all enjoyed The Great Immigration Debate segment from 4/20 (which was pretty freakin awesome, by the way... great way to close out the show!), because that was my official season finale and I'm not sure if the network will be picking us up for season two. I don't think we have the same following as 24 or CSI. *smile*

As of now I have tentative plans to return in September, but anything can happen between now and then.

In the meantime I want to take a minute to thank the regulars and cheering section: The F$%k-It List, Smarty Jones, Irene, and Brother Omi who really made this enjoyable for me. To the people who peeked in from time to time, thanks for stopping by and tuning in. Also a big thanks to all my former co-hosts who stayed up late to talk shit with me on the air- you all know who you are- I had a blast, for real.

Unfortunately the stress level of putting a show together out-weighted the chatroom shenanigans, and y'all know my psyche is delicate at best as it is.

But fear not- you can always just come here for your daily dose of Jaded goodness... the blog will be here, marching on as usual.

*smooches...with a heavy heart but a clear head*
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thank goodness for meditation, otherwise I'd be a mess right about now... I'm a little sad but I know everything happens for a reason.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Lazy Sundays... And Other Musings

Tonight On Monday Musings- Is Religion Still Relevant Today?
If you remember this show was supposed to happen a while back before Easter, but my host went MIA. But I really wanted to cover this segment, so I sought out a man of the cloth to fill in!



Pastor Montagne McDonald of Seed of Abraham Church in Nashville, TN is my co-host for tonight, and I bet you're wondering how I'd know such a person... the World Wide Web, bitchezzzz! I listen to his BTR show, Dropping Seeds Radio, whenever I'm home on Saturdays.

It's really good and the discussion is always very interesting; he definitely gets the Jaded NYer seal of approval- feel free to check them out!

Dilemma
You ever know that there is something you HAVE to do, but the results of that action could potentially bring your life as you know it to a halt? But if you didn't do it, if you decided to take the coward's way out, the guilt of not manning up would kill you slow?

UGH! Life can suck monkey balls right now for all I care!

The Neti Pot Adventures
N and I tried out the neti pot on Sunday to successful results. And by successful I mean neither of us choked on the saline solution nor did we have to call 911.

See for yourself on the videos below:

In this one, N uses it. Before me! That girl is my ride or die baby... she goes HARD!
video

In this one I finally try it. Seriously this is an angle of my face you've never really wanted to see. I apologize in advance for the nightmares.
video

Lazy Sundays
I believe the temperature was in the 80s in Brooklyn yesterday, which means inside my apartment it was 105.

So I'm really glad I went jogging power walking with Irene in the morning, because besides the 6:30PM trip to the supermarket I didn't do a GD thing all day except lay on my bed and enjoy the sweet breeze coming in through my window.



One, I was still sore from Saturday's workout. Two, I was still sleepy from being out late on Friday. And three I was still sore from Saturday's workout.

I May Take A Page From Michael's Book...
And start wearing a face mask, what with all this swine flu shit going around. Kinda makes you rethink your position on that border wall, right? Don't front, you were thinking it!

I swear to GOD- let one nasty-ass mofo even THINK ABOUT sneezing in my direction and he will get a full, recyclable water bottle right to the temple. I ain't playin with y'all...

I mean really- SWINE FLU? This is what will take us out, some stupid ol' swine flu? See why I don't even eat that shit?

*smooches...really suspicious of everyone's germs right now*
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I ALMOST don't want to leave my house...

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Because I Promised Eb I Would...

...and she just reminded me...

I'm posting a few pictures of me from back in the day.

See, she posted this photo of her with this bow-tie hairdo, and I encouraged it, saying I'd also post something embarrassing from my teen years.

You know, when we all thought we were too cute for this planet but really looked a damn fool? Yeah, exactly.

So here it is, me at age 16, on my 16th birthday that was NOT a Sweet Sixteen because Mami and I couldn't see eye to eye on the party details so it was just us at Grandma and Papi's place in New Jersey.



See that TERRIBLE helmet hair I'm rocking? That was because my stylist at the time had to chop off all the damaged hair I had as a result of chemical relaxers. This picture reminds me to always and forever keep my and my babies' hair au natural!

And as a bonus, here's a pic I promised one of my Twitter friends of me and my fellow Menudo Fan Club Members. We were featured in the local Spanish-language newspaper because we had May birthdays. HOLLA!



See, I was torturing her with clips of Menudo and felt that, as retribution, I'd post this.

Now, sit back and enjoy this good laugh I brought you on this gloriously beautiful Sunday.

*smooches...never too proud to laugh at myself*
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what's the point of living if you can't have a chuckle at your own expense?

Friday, April 24, 2009

Things I Couldn't Tweet...

...because I was in church.

Yes, even I have some respect for the inner sanctum of the supposed house of the lord. Well, that, and I was afraid Mami would slap my phone out of my hand with just a stern glance if she even suspected I was Tweeting about the Easter service.

So these are mental notes that The Voices were kind enough to hold onto for me:

1- I think the woman at the end of my pew is speaking in tongues. Really? This is my life?

2- Look at that big ass hat. Damn! I know the dude sitting behind her is pisssssed!

3- I will never understand the meaning of these "dancers" up on "stage" during the service...

4- OOPS! Mami just busted me taking a nap... was I snoring?? How embarrassing!

5- So she wants money to help her feed some hungry kids overseas? Um, we got hungry kids right here, lady... NEGATIVE!

All in all the Easter service was rather painless, especially since I took that sweet-ass nap during the sermon *yawn* *stretch*

*smooches...taunting god since 1997*
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it's been over 10 years since I left the church and I'm still here to tell the tale.

damn it feels good to be a gangsta...

Thursday, April 23, 2009

What It's Like To Not Be Able To Breathe

Those of you who enjoy the privilege of being able to freely inhale oxygen through your nose all year around can kiss my flat, jiggly non-bootylicious ass. For real.

I cannot recall a time when I've been able to breathe completely through my nose. And one would think with a nose THIS SIZE I'd be able to get my share of air and then some, right? Wrong.

I'm always stuffed up. Always. And when spring rolls around it worsens by 100%. And when it's a full-fledged cold/fever it worsens by 1000%.

Someone once suggested I get my sinuses drained, but when I looked up the procedure 1- it looked like some sort of medieval torture routine and 2- it's not a permanent solution. Meaning in as little as 2 years I'd have to go back and have it done all over again. NEGATIVE!

Didn't Chris Rock tell us this? The medical community don't want a cure... there's no money in a cure. The money is in the come back.

So fuck all them hoes... there will be no sinus drainage for me.

In the meantime, let me take you through what I go through with my damn nasal passages ALL THE FREAKIN TIME...

1- I begin to notice that my usually semi-stuffed nose is completely closed off on one side. I apply Vick's at night and hope for the best.

2- Then both nostrils decide to completely shut down for about 87% of the time I'm awake. HOWEVER, there is the added bonus that said shut down nostrils will still drip like a leaky faucet. I apply more Vick's and take steam baths. My vitamin C & hot beverage consumption increases.

3- I start sneezing. This usually starts at about April and ends in June... lucky me. Sometimes I'll sneeze so much that my chest will begin to hurt, as will my head. I load up on packs of tissues.

4- The headache gets worse, especially right behind my eyes and it makes it hard for me to see w/out squinting. At this point my body starts to shut down because it wants me to go to sleep so it can fight the sickness. Enter drowsy, medicine head feeling- w/out the damn medicine!

(my body is good/bad that way... GOOD because it can fight off anything on it's own effectively w/out drugs, but BAD because I need to be asleep for this to happen. Not cool when you have kids & a job & responsibilities n shit)

5- Vertigo decides to join the damn party! The real downside of any ear-nose-throat(ENT) problems I encounter is that it's made worse by the fact that I have vertigo. So any tiny allergy fit or head cold is magnified by the fact that the room will start spinning once I try to move.

6- Appetite goes buh-bye. I can't smell which means I can't taste PLUS I have a belly full of post-nasal drip and the vertigo makes me nauseous... yeah, food is not a priority for me during this time. Which is saying a lot because y'all have seen my belly. You know I love to eat.

7- On rare occasions I will also lose my voice. This doesn't usually happen until the winter months but it does happen every year like clockwork. That's when I get the trifecta of sickness: sore throat, stuffed nose and vertigo... an ENT doc's dream come true!

8- I inevitably have to take a day to just sleep it all off. Sometimes it works like gangbusters and other days, like today, it makes me re-think my NO DRUGS policy... like maybe if I downed a whole bottle of Benedryl or NyQuil or something I could be me again.

9- While on said day off I'll either A- get stupid, work-related phone calls that drive me up the wall or B- have wayyyy to much quiet time with The Voices, in which they proceed to tell me about every thing I've done to fuck up my life. Nice, right?

10- Finally, after many applications of Vick's, countless steam baths and packs of tissues, and forcing myself to take some pain meds for my headache, I reluctantly rejoin the world. Still stuffy and drowsy and dizzy, only this time wreaking of eucalyptus and high on Aleve.

Yay, Life!

But PS- Don't sit next to me on the train if you know what's good for you...

*smooches...but from a distance, in case I'm contagious*
----------
and now I'm going back to bed FOR REAL, because I think Lady Estrogen and her minions forgot a few points to mention in their "1,001 Reason Why Raquel Ain't Shit" speech.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

We Have To Do Better

I interrupt my Earth Day post to bring you this very important message:

I am so tired of reading about ignorant shit from grown ass people who should know better. TIRED.

And I'm tired of stupid ass teenagers with no home training wrecking shit all over the place. TIRED.

I'm sayin... no more resting on your laurels. No more blaming your alcoholic mother or your absentee father or your molester uncle. DONE, you hear me?

And you can just forget about blaming THE MAN 'cause goddamn if the man don't (finally) look like me and you?!?!

So, by the power vested in me by the Borough of Brooklyn and the webmasters at Blogger, I hereby pronounce that:

1- You will STOP making up names for your babies. No more Ty'Queishiaas and no more Apples. STOP IT.

2- You will stop leaving your house in your jammies and slippers. Put some clothes on, for real. I love my jammies, too, but I know better (now) than to leave my house in them.

3- You will comb your hair. It is NOT acceptable to be out and about with your hair wrapped with all those damned pins in your head. And dudes... bed hair, really? That's the look you want to offer the world? WTF?

4- You will stop having unprotected sex. Enough already. It is 2009 and AIDS is still rampant... WHY???

5- You will stop flashing your goodies to the world and then demand to be respected. I'm sorry, but if you let the 'razzi get a crotch shot you lose all credibility in my book. There are ways to avoid that mess.

6- You will stop neglecting your kids. I'm busting my ass to make my kids productive, law-abiding citizens that contribute to society, and I'll be damned if they will be forced to carry your ne'er-do-well rugrats.

7- You will learn to carry yourselves like gentlemen & ladies goddammit! Men, open a freakin door from time to time; ladies, learn to keep your big ass mouth shut on occasion. It's the little niceties that make all the difference.

8- You will burn all your skinny jeans and leggins. Now. No questions asked just BURN THEM. And throw in those crocs and uggs, too.

9- You will stop trying to model your life after celebrities who don't have the sense god gave them. You will never be Beyonce and you will never be Sean Combs, and thank the lord for that. You are YOU. Be YOU.

10- You will stop spending all your money on bullshit. For real? Rims on a Maxima? Really? I'm too through!

People... we have to do better...

*smooches...hoping I've offended at least 5 people with this post*
----------
because you've all been offending me with these 10 infraction for YEARS. it's time someone told you off.

now, what are some things on your list which need to be added to this decree?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

I Should Have Never Dropped Her On Her Head

First thing is first- I had a really good turn out for this week's show on Immigration, and the chatroom discourse was less shenanigan-ish and more on point... until Irene started talking about octo-mom's cavernous vagina. That's when things started to go down the tomfoolery road!

But here's the link for those that missed it: The Great Immigration Debate

And please- if you liked what you heard, come back next week AND rate the show for chrissake. What do you think- I'm doing this for my health? Jeez...

------------

Over the Easter weekend, Mari made it a point to show me her new moccasins, and to tell me how much she loved them and how they symbolized her membership with the Minnetonka tribe.



I warned her that I would blog it and she defiantly put on said moccasins and posed for a picture.



She even started telling me how she threatened a friend of hers with a tribal attack- that her Minnetonka posse would actually ATTACK- because of some disagreement they were having.

See... what had happened was, when Mari was a baby, she fell off my bed, and I didn't catch her in time before she went Kerpluey! right onto her noggin. My bad...

This is why I know that long after all the other bloggers give up, shut down, get too busy to write, whatever, The Jaded NYer will always be in business... I'm never at a loss for material.

Especially with a nut job for a baby sis.

*smooches...knowing full well that she THRIVES on the attention!
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mari loves every minute of every shout out she gets on here... it's her version of being on a reality show! lol

Monday, April 20, 2009

La Migra!...And Other Musings...

Ahhh, Monday... rainy, blah, gray... but last week was a good week and Lani's birthday is this week so I will not let drab weather and killer allergies (did I mention BOTH nostrils were totally closed up for most of Saturday? Ugh!) get me down.

So here we go, back to business as usual in full swing:

I Missed My Calling, I Think
Enough with this office/desk/writing bullshit- I should've gotten a job in construction n sh*t. Why? Because I am having the BEST time helping Mami get her house ready.

First I went out there one weekend to measure the rooms so that I could draw it to scale for her and help her arrange the furniture to perfection.

Then I went out there to help her paint, too.


(sorry it's blurry; Mami didn't know how to use my camera phone LOL)


(tell me that sh*t don't look professional!)

And even though my body ached something FIERCE, I really felt this sense of accomplishment. I forgot how much I enjoy working with my hands, building shit, etc. It was what made HS bearable because we were very hands-on in our Civil Engineering classes.

Next week, watch out because I'm cutting the grass in front AND back. Awwww, snap... can't stop, won't stop!

SAVE THE DATE!
May 23rd... I turn 34... you're all invited (no, really, you are) so if I don't already have it, send me your contact info at rpenzo@thejadednyer.net if you want me to send you the party details.

And be prepared to be out from about 8PM until noon the next day. And bring your passport just in case. You never know...

La Migra!
Tonight on Monday Musings- YES, we're back!- Brother Omi and I will initiate the Great Immigration Debate.



We will discuss the myths, the politics and the ugly underbelly of the U.S. Immigration policies.

So be sure and tune in- this affects us all as Americans. Oh, and someone tell Obama to tune in, too, so we can school him...

I'm Enjoying My Celibacy
No, really, I am. It takes the pressure out of all situations with the opposite sex if you already know going in that sex is not an option, not on the menu, not even a blip on your radar.

I'm usually really shy around guys (SHUT UP, OK... it's TRUE!) but now my interactions with them are effortless 'cause I'm not even thinking about what they look like naked. Now it's just me meeting cool people and hanging out and having fun.

But let's just say, last week, for like a minute (or two or three or fifty...) I almost threw all my ideals out the window. Good kissers have a way of f*cking with your morals sometimes... or was that the Haitian rum working it's voodoo on me? Hmmm...

*smooches...'cause it's good to be back*
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so how's everybody? did you file your taxes? was Uncle Sam good to you? see any good movies? cop any good CDs I should check out? tell me what's good, homies!

Friday, April 17, 2009

Mari Speaks On...

...the new 90210 and its storyline with the "adopted black brother" played by Dominican actor Tristan Wilds:

"Babatunde gets adopted, not Jamal. Especially not in Wichita, Kansas!"

*smooches...agreeing with Mari 'cause she makes a good point*
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all we see in the news are celebs adopting "ethnic" babies from other countries. don't they know there are Black babies right here that need a home?


Thursday, April 16, 2009

They Will NEVER Tear Us Apart

Just another example of why Jack owns my soul...

ME: Is it too much to ask for just ONE THING to be easy in my life? Just one measly thing? I'm not a greedy person; I know everything is not going to just be handed to me, but really? EVERYTHING in my life has to turn into an AP Nuclear Physics 301 final exam? Really?

Sorry... just venting...

Jack: Be happy the exam isn't in Mandarin Chinese!

ME: OMG- I would be the idiot who comes in late and has to take it in Mandarin because it's the only test booklet left since Liu Chin decides he feels like taking his test in English, leaving me with the one reserved for him!!!! UGH!!!!!

I'm gonna kick Liu Chin's ASS!!!!!!!!

Jack:

泰总理称曼谷示威"得到控制"
泰国总理阿披实告诉本台在同反政府示威者进行一天的争斗后,军队已经控制住首都曼谷。
泰暴力冲突加剧 他信称有人死亡
泰国军方开始驱散反政府示威者
图辑:曼谷军民冲突


(pssst: the answer is "C")



*smooches...so grateful for my friends in this time of need*
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now if only they all lived on my block, my life would be perfect. JESUS-EFFIN-CHRIST! can you imagine the summer block party? out of this world...

Monday, April 13, 2009

We Are NOT In The Mood...

Dear Readers,

The Jaded NYer will be on hiatus for a couple of days while she gets a few things in order.

First- she needs to file her taxes... or the more likely alternative, file for an extension.

Second- she needs to have a serious discussion with her uterus and then with her OB/GYN, because she is truly sick and tired of being sick and tired every month.

Finally- she needs to get her house in order- literally and figuratively- before the babies come back on Sunday.

And lets not even get into the fact that, although she's a pretty tough cookie 95% of the time, right now she's a hot stanky-legged mess over some dude that isn't even worth it. And it's not so much the dude but her frustration with dudes in general... this dude is just the dude that broke the camel's back.

So she's gonna take a few days to get back to normal. Obviously Monday Musings is canceled because more than likely 10PM will find The Jaded NYer curled up on her couch in the fetal position trying to will her cramps away with telekinesis. But feel free to catch up on the archives and to poke fun at her in the comments. It's what I would do. MUAHAHAHAHA

Sincerely,
Lady Estrogen


Friday, April 10, 2009

Letters I'll Never Send, Vol.2

This was inspired by Irene's post from Thursday, and Muireann's post from Monday. It is a letter to little, innocent Raquel; the girl I was before the world made me Jaded.

Dear Rocky-

Peace, love and blessings!

There are so many things I want to say to you. So many lessons I want to teach you, to help you become a better grown-up and make better choices and ensure your happiness, but I only have one letter in which to express it all. My advice outlined below is in no particular order because you know how The Voices are… oh wait, I forgot. You haven’t met them yet. Just bear with me... put down the Julio Iglesias LP and pay attention.

1- USE A CONDOM. This piece of advice is so crucial on so many levels. Please disregard everything they taught you about sex at St. John’s; the Catholic Church is so fucking warped and it's just not realistic to what you will encounter in your life and what you want for yourself… But please- just use a freaking condom, OK?

2- TAKE PRE-CAL YOUR SENIOR YEAR OF HS. You’ll need the discipline of an extended day to keep you out of trouble. Trust me on this one. You’re really good with numbers and you’ll be at one of the best specialized High Schools in the City, don’t waste the opportunity. Also, it wouldn’t hurt you to take some AP and honors classes. And for the love of Pete, do your damn homework!

3- DON’T DROP ACID. I can’t stress this enough. It will fuck up your head so much, and the side effects will follow you well into your 30s. It’s not cool. It’s not fun. You’re so much better than that. And after the acid is when The Voices started and OH MY GOD- your life will be so much better if they aren’t around.

4- YOU DON’T NEED MAMI TO VALIDATE YOU. You’ll realize this at around age 12 anyway, but I thought I’d let you know now. She’s had a rough childhood, seriously, and she just doesn’t know how to show you love the way you need it shown and encourage you in the way you need encouragement. So encourage yourself. Love yourself. Look in the mirror and know that you are:

  • pretty enough
  • smart enough
  • savvy enough
  • talented enough
  • GOOD ENOUGH


5- DON’T STOP DANCING. Fuck stage fright. Tell it to go suck a dick. You love it so much and you’re so good at it… don’t let anything stop you from dancing on Broadway.

6- SPEND MORE TIME WITH GRANDMA. Those pills you see her taking right now are NOTHING compared to the medical attention she will need later, and when she dies the void it will leave inside of you will tear you apart. Spend all the time you can with her now. Learn your family’s story. Gather all her recipes in a scrapbook. Take lots of pictures with her. Hug her every chance you get. And I swear if I catch you rolling your eyes at her one more time I’ll build a time machine just to kick your ass all up and down Inslee Place, you hear me?

7- BE A BETTER SISTER TO WILLIE’S KIDS. He’s a sucky dad, I know, but he’s going to have a trough of kids later on; it won’t be just you and Willito. One day there will also be a Stephen, another William, a Joseph and then finally another girl, Stephanie. And they’re going to need guidance from you because their households will not be the best. They will need to see you lead by example- getting good grades, going to college, staying out of trouble and off the streets- because all they’re learning from the Penzos is, well, how to be Penzos.

8- BE A BETTER BIG SISTER TO MARI FROM 1993-1998. Mami is going to have another baby soon, and while you're in college, your baby sis will be in dire need of your love, attention and affection. Her world will be turned upside down in a strange new place without the safety net of Grandma and Papi like you have growing up. You’ll be only a few hours away from her so make it a point to visit and call her often. Check in with her. Let her know you care. And don't [allegedly] hit her with a cereal box when she's older- she'll never ever let it go!

9- MAJOR IN ENGLISH AND SPANISH IN COLLEGE. Don’t be such a whiny little piss-ant about having to read British Literature and just major in English, OK? And stop acting like your Spanish grammar and syntax is on point ‘cause it won’t be. It’s a necessary evil that will help you so much in the future… you don’t even know how good it will be for you. Please, just do it.

10- WALK YOUR OWN DOG. Look at lil Rocky. Isn’t he adorable? Isn’t he the center of your universe right now? Right. So go walk your own fucking dog, okay, because one day in the very near future, Papi is going to take him out without a leash and you’ll never see that dog again. And just like with Grandma’s death, you will not recover from this for a very, very long time.

Most importantly, sweetie, I want you to speak up- in English and Spanish- and make your voice heard. That "…meek shall inherit the earth…" saying is bullshit. Tell people when you’re upset with them right at the moment they upset you. Tell people you love you love them right when you feel love for them.

Be happy when you’re happy and sad when you’re sad. Cry if you want to whenever you want to and in front of whomever is there when the tears decide to come. Own your feelings, don’t eat them or drink them or smoke them or fuck them or hide them away.

The damage you can avoid will be priceless, and will ultimately save your soul a lot faster and better than any Hail Mary or Our Father or Act of Contrition.



Love Always-
Raquel Ivelisse

PS… I’d get to saving all your future McDonald’s and babysitting and summer camp money in the bank post haste. All of it. You’re going to need it.

*smooches...wishing hard for a time machine*
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there's so much I want to tell Little Raquel. Like "don't let your aunt relax your hair when you visit DR at age 10." And "get Julio's address before he gets shipped off with the Army." what would you tell your younger self? write a letter on your blog... I'd love to read it :D

Thursday, April 09, 2009

The Minna Street Players Present: West Side Story

I don't bake cookies (anymore); I'm not waiting for my kids when they get home from school (yet). I'm not involved in their schools and I don't care for play dates.

Instead, this is what passes for quality time at my house.

Sit back and enjoy the show...


Scene from West Side Story.WAV - The Minna Street Players

And did I mention I saw the Broadway revival of this classic musical



(Photos by Neilson Barnard/Getty Images North America)

with my sister from another mother, Lady Muireann of Bangs and a Bun...


...pictured here with her girl Linda, with a special appearance by my frizzy ass, caught-in-the-misty-rain hair.

Before my hair met up with the elements, it looked so cute, too. See here:



And here:



Either way, we saw West Side Story on Broadway, and Muireann and I had to concentrate hard on:

>not singing along or jumping on stage, and
>not ruining our eye make-up as we teared up when --SPOILER ALERT-- Chino shot Tony.

It was an absolutely amazing revival, complete with an actual Latino cast to play the Sharks and bi-lingual dialogue and songs. WOO HOO!!

So I didn't let my hair bother me too much. I looked totally cute- frizzy, but cute- and I think it's safe to say that we three were the baddest bitches at the Palace Theatre (where everyone else was wearing SWEAT PANTS!), at the Cajun place we went to afterwards (where the South American/Mexican busboys/kitchen help were undressing me with their eyes as I walked towards the restroom), and at the LES dive where we ended up (where the posse of rhythmically-challenged partiers dropped E, as if that would help their moves). The people I hang with are just too hot to handle.



Yeah, I know you're jealous...

*smooches...feeling pretty, oh so pretty*
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fist time I saw that play, and then the movie, and then held the soundtrack in my arms... man I wished for acting abilities so that I could BE Anita. But that didn't work out...

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Be Easy! (Not Like That, Perverts!)

Last week I was a hot ghetto mess. You read the posts. I was truly madly deeply spiraling out of control, falling into a sort of self-imposed abyss. Just darkness and blahs and it was not pretty.

And I'm too pretty to not be pretty.

So I took some action. I'm having serious dinero deficiencies so I've taken steps to rectify that (yes, writing and I are still on the outs; I'm not even looking at editing jobs anymore).

My household is out of control, and a big part of that is the lack of money but again, I'm handling it. And it helps a lot that as of Thursday the babies will be with their dad for 10 luxurious days, which gives me time to regroup. I need those ten days like a porn star needs regular HIV tests. For real.

Part of this regrouping process started last week when I enrolled in the 4-day meditation course with the New York Meditation Center, which teaches Transcendental Meditation in the Vedic tradition (look it up, bitchezzz... I can't do ALL the work for you, sheesh!).

Yes, it did cost money and yes I am short on said money, but they allow you to pay over time in whatever arrangement works for you. I figured my peace of mind was worth it.

I'll admit- I went in there with prejudice. I texted a friend: "If they offer me Kool-Aid, I'm OUTTA there!" and told a date, "Keep a look out if I start shaving my head and talking weird- steal my phone, call all my friends and stage an intervention!" But that brand of comedy is just fear of the unknown. Fear of changing.

Like, what if I lose my edge and can't be The Jaded NYer you all know and love? But that's stupid, right? I mean, who could ever stop loving ME?!?!

But then I thought- and what has living the way I've been living gotten me? Broke, semi-bitter, unhappy, unhealthy and just plain unmotivated to be an active participant in this life, just content to sit around watching movies and talking about shit I'll never do. BOO! HISS! BOO! I think I've had my fill of that.

So now I meditate, and it's only been a few days but WHOA I was not ready for the side effects. Like wanting to pass out at 3PM every day. OR not being able to remember anything for 15 of the 20 minutes I was meditating (where in the HELL was I?). Or the vivid visuals of The Beatles' The Yellow Submarine dancing in my head.

The instructor (who ended most sessions asking us to "be easy" hence the title of this post) said we should listen to our bodies in these first few weeks because it will tell us what it needs. Mine has been nagging me about getting more rest n shit. Y'all know I'm hard-headed... but something about conking out on the keyboard on my desk at work set off an alarm in my head that said, "Dammit, Raquel, listen to your body!"

So that, I will. Even though it's got The Voices all in huff. But f*ck those bitchez- they're nothing but trouble most times anyway!

*smooches...wondering how long before sleep is a friend, not a foe*
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or maybe y'all were right- maybe all I need is some good BLEEP, because my body has been asking for that, too.

wait- was that TMI? *shrugs*

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

For A Measly $30, I'll Be Your Best Friend

First: We got our snaps and bongos on on Monday Musings- National Poetry Month brought out some real talent! I know you missed it, so here's the link (click here) to hear original work from my co-host Eb the Celeb, faithful listener Smarty Jones, Darius T. Williams and yours truly! Do it now!!

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I want to see this documentary on Juan Bosch at Lincoln Center (see info here) but as you read last week... I is po'.

Like searching through the couch for spare change, selling off prize possessions, hocking my one good piece of jewelry worth any money po'.

But I really, really, really want to see this documentary. Like, really.

So here's where YOU come in.

How about you treat me to the movies? Huh? Huh?

I get to see the film, and you get to spend time with me. It's a win-win situation.

What say you?

*smooches...pimping out my greatness for movie tickets*
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it is officially a recession when my friendship is for sale. I'm afraid of what's coming next...

Monday, April 06, 2009

I'm All About Monday Musings Today...

Hi my dearies. I know it's Monday and you were kinda hoping for a weekend update but too bad so sad no dad; I have some things to discuss with you. Regarding Monday Musings.

I'm really proud of how many segments I've hosted so far, and love all the effort my co-hosts have put into their appearances. I've had some real Smarty McSmarties on the show and it's really enriched this experience for me.

BY THE WAY: Tonight's segment will be celebrating National Poetry Month!! Eb the Celeb will be in the hizz-ous, hopefully spitting some hot fiyah that'll have us all snapping with delight.



But I also want you all to call in and tell us about your favorite poet and why? Maybe even read a poem on the air? C'mon... don't be shy!

Of course I'm still navigating my way through this radio hosting gig, but I feel that with every segment I get better and better, and the topics I choose are ones I'm naturally curious about, so it works.

Now I'm ready to take it to the next level, as in, I'm ready to spread the word and really have this show take off. Unlike this blog, which I'd rather keep small and intimate and ad-free, I want Monday Musings to be a real launchpad towards total media domination, and I realize that that may require me to advertise more AND offer advertising opportunities during the broadcast.

But, as with any radio or TV show, I can't sell ad space if the numbers aren't there. No one will pay to play a commercial on my show if only 5 people are listening and my show doesn't get high ratings.

Yes, ratings. I just realized that Blog Talk Radio has an option for listeners to rate the shows they listen to. And I need high ratings to get this show on the road.

That's where you come in. If you listen to the segments, please rate them. If you like what you hear add my show to your favorites. If you feel like what I've said has touched your very soul and others need to be touched, too, then please, by all means, SPREAD THE WORD.

I don't usually make pleas like this but since I've turned my back on writing I need something to keep me warm at night. And since it ain't a man, it might as well be Monday Musings.

Can the church say, Amen?

*smooches...hoping for your full support*
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not that I doubt my peoples will come through for me. I know there's love for me out there.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Jaded Photographs 2009: April Edition

"Hot Like Fire"



*smooches...flexing my Photoshop muscles*
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I know you're jealous...

Friday, April 03, 2009

Mari Speaks On...

...my not having published any books yet:

"If [my friends] Google you and only find articles, it looks bad on me. You're gonna make me look like a liar."

*smooches...trying my best to make Mari look good*
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because forget my OWN goals, the whole purpose of my writing career is to make her look good...

Thursday, April 02, 2009

For Want Of A Writing Career, A Standard Of Living Was Lost

I'm officially at a financial and life-changing crossroads.

This writing career shit, which I started in 2005, has not yielded any good results except for this blog. Which doesn't make me any money.

Bank of America is making out like a fucking BANDIT on my overdraft fees, let me tell you, and the people I owe money to are NOT happy with me. At all. But what can I do? If the money ain't there it ain't there.

I cut back on my spending all I could; I've hardly bought anything that wasn't edible since Christmas. All I do is hand over my measly check to my landlord, Con Edison, Foodtown, the NYC MTA, National Grid, Cablevision and Verizon.

That leaves me with $2.50 for everything else. Right. So you see my problem.

I really have tried to stick with it because it's my dream. Hell, I shelled out borrowed $40K for grad school chasing this dream. And what do I have to show for it? Debt. No savings. An overdrawn bank account.

But it seems to me, more and more everyday, that I can support my family better if I just went back to answering phones for a living.

How sad is it that I can easily double my salary by taking a job that I'm grossly overqualified for? But my kids have to eat. And N has outgrown all of her pants. And K needs money for her 8th grade graduation fees. And Sallie Mae isn't going to take much more of me dodging her phone calls and notices.

Deep down inside I know that I could totally live with the $2.50 in my pocket and get by, but not with kids. The bohemian, starving-artist look doesn't bode well when you have babies who say to you every two seconds, whether they've eaten or not, "I'm hungry."

My soul cannot take hearing those words. I never wanted for food or anything while growing up. I'll be god-damned if my kids do, just because I want to call myself a writer.

So if you're looking for me this weekend, I'll be the one in the library combing through the "executive assistant" want ads. Nobody cares about talent anymore. My spirit has officially been broken.

Writing can suck it!

*no smooches...I'm too depressed to pucker up*
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and I can't even play the victim here; this is exactly what I deserve for the choices I've made in my life. C'est la vie! I'll know better next time around. I hope.

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Lust Makes Me...

…respond to your emails even though it’s been 7 months since I’ve even seen you, and 2 months since you so callously told me you’d gotten back together with your ex.

…call you in the evening, inquiring about your plans, threatening to come over and steal a kiss or two

…give in to your touch, even though you are not my aesthetic ideal

…allow you to fall in love with me, knowing full well my feelings for you are false and fleeting

…so crazy as to believe that what we have is or could ever be anything more than just lust.

*smooches...learning to back away slowly from lustful thoughts*
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in my experience, nothing good ever comes of it. Exhibit A: I had my first child in college...