Friday, January 30, 2009

The Minna Street Players Present: Karaoke Fridays

N and I frequently sit in front of the computer looking up lyrics to songs in my iTunes library and then sing along all off key. Usually on the weekends.

A lot of times we'll attempt a Spanish song because I got N hooked on Sergio Vargas like he's crack, but on this day we decided that we were in the mood for The Kooks.

Want to know how my babies grew to be so well-rounded, smart, fun lil ladies? Because our quality time together looks like this:

video

Voice lessons? PFFT! That's for losers... we go hard!

*smooches...wishing you all an awesome weekend*
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stay tuned for more entertainment from The Minna Street Players... we're in the Union now, so we can't be stopped!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

What The Hell Did I Sign Up For??

I really just shouldn't be allowed to answer emails after eating a large fry from McDonald's, because I must've been in that damn haze when I responded to an invitation to be a part of Career Day at my old high school.

*record scratches, everyone at the party stops to stare at me*

Yes, you read correctly. Me. Speaking. At Career Day. To many an impressionable young mind.

What the fuck?? Shouldn't there be a little voice somewhere that pops up when I'm about to do some stupid shit like this and scream in my ear: HEY, DUMBASS! What are YOU gonna talk about on Career Day- how to skip class, flake on projects, play poker on the back staircase and still manage to graduate and attend college?? 'Cause that shit was practically your major!!

Where was THAT voice when I needed it?

So I sign up for this thing, right, and I think at the very least it will be a hoot and a half and I get to see my old stomping grounds and take funny pictures to send Jack of me stopping "traffic" on the stairs after lunch.

But reality, in the form of a follow up email from the school, slaps me in the face... check out what is expected of me at Career-Freakin-Day (I've highlighted the portions that can just eat a bag of dicks):

Career Day

Sat, 28 Feb, 2009 9:00 AM - 1:15 PM

This event provides an opportunity for current Technites to listen and ask questions of alumni regarding their careers. Also, presenters are invited to share their high school experiences and learn about current day Tech.

Following our success from last year's initial event, we ask that you please join us for the Second Annual Career Day. Your attendance would come at a crucial time, as many of the students will soon be choosing their Brooklyn Tech majors.

The event is sponsored by Brooklyn Technical High School, the Brooklyn Tech Alumni Foundation and the Young Entrepreneur Association -- a student-run business that started up in early 2007 with the goal of promoting entrepreneurship and entrepreneurial thinking at the high school level.

Presenters will lead two 35-minute presentations, during which they can describe aspects of their careers, such as:

* the demands their profession sets for them and what their jobs entail
* their experiences in the profession
* their educational backgrounds
* advice for prospective future workers
* the challenges they faced along the way
* a typical day at the job
* aspects of their careers that they like and dislike
* what majors they believe would best fit the career

Each presenter will have a student host with them to field any Career Day-related questions that the presenter (or the students) may have.

The audience members will also have time to ask questions before moving on to other presentations. All presentations will run simultaneously, with the presenters remaining in the same rooms and the students walking around in between presentations.

And look at what they CLAIM I will get out of it:

Presenters will leave with the satisfaction of knowing that they will be influencing some of today's brightest minds that will prove to be the career professionals of the future. During the complementary breakfast and lunch, presenters will also be able to network with other professionals and talk to members of the Young Entrepreneur Association.

What fresh hell is all that??? That's not what I signed up for! I wanted to go there and goof around and warp some underage minds with scary tales of the real world, and then they go and make this shit all serious. I mean... 35 MINUTES of talking about writing? TWICE? IN ONE DAY?

Someone just shoot me now... would it be wrong to show up drunk?

*smooches...more nervous about Career Day than when I delivered my thesis lecture*
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and another thing-- what if no one stops by my presentation?!?!

*falls over dead*

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Little Book Talk On A Wednesday

I was high on yellow rice- not to be confused with yellow cake- when I wrote this so please, excuse the randomness of the paragraphs...

While K was at an interview at a HS she wanted to attend, C, N and I headed to the local B&N to peruse the goods. As if either one of us needs another book.

While checking the aisles for new or notable Latino/a writers, I saw a display of coffee table books, and one in particular stood out:



THIS book. Is. Awesome.

And not just because Slash is in it (even if it was the main reason I was drawn to it.) but because it features people like Toni Morrison and Dawn Stanley and Louis Gossett, Jr. discussing how being black affected their lives, their profession, their craft, etc, and... OKAY, it's amazing because Slash is in it.

But still, the stuff the other people had to say was interesting, too. I promise. I read it cover to cover, trying really hard not to puke when I came across Sean Combs and Al Farton's pages. Yuck. Did I ever mention how much I hate those dudes? No? Well, I do.

And yes, I know, I'm not technically Black (although I do consider myself an Afro-Latina), but as Jack so eloquently put in this blog post... I'm "Black By Injection" so suck it!

I highly recommend this book, which is also a documentary on HBO (visit the website here); I liked it so much I borrowed it from the library for like 2 months before I finally broke down and bought the damn thing. Because I was not allowed to renew it anymore. Bastards!

THEN imagine my delight when Irene reminded me about February 7th: First Saturday at the BK Museum... guess what they're discussing?? YUP. The Black List. The authors-- renowned portrait photographer/filmmaker Timothy Greenfield-Sanders and acclaimed NPR radio host, journalist and former New York Times film critic Elvis Mitchell-- will be there and um, would it be cheesy to bring my copy and get an autograph?? Yes? No? Maybe so?

PS- in the future, if you're going to purchase books online, can you do me and the world a favor? Buy from this site:

Better World Books

because proceeds go to literacy programs around the world. And you already know how I feel about literacy...



*smooches...wishing that Slash were going to be at First Saturdays, too*
----------
but wishing even harder that Sean Combs' wack ass stays far, far away.

have any of you read any good books lately? do tell!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

New Crush Alert: CNN Hotties Don Lemon & TJ Holmes

But first, it's Tuesday, so you know I have to remind you to check out the podcast of my show from last night: Artist Spotlight w/LeVar Thomas on Monday Musings. Take a listen; he's a talented cat, for real!

And now... the post...

I'm sitting in the airport in Chicago, poisoning my body with w 3 piece chicken strip meal from McDonald's, waiting to get home from Vegas, and I happen to look up at the TV screen... guess what I saw?

This elegant hunky-hunk right here:



Um, HELLO?!?! Why didn't anybody TELL me CNN had cuties with brains? I would've been watching the news like a crack fiend every-freakin-day! I don't even usually go for the nerdy, Carlton Banks types, but something about the way he looks in the camera makes me thinks he's a bit of a freak in the bedroom... just my type!

So I'm telling Mari about Don and then she's like, "NO; you have to see the other dude." You know who? THIS dude:



HOTCHIE MAMA!!!

YEOWZA!!!

Ask Mari- I actually lost my ability to form complete sentences at that point.

I mean, I need a job at CNN, like right now. Can you imagine the naughty-hot-times I can have behind the news desk with these two Hottie McHottertons?

And I know some of you heifers reading this knew of both of them and have been holding out... I see you... it's like that, huh? Just gonna hide the sexy dudes from your girl... I see how it is...

Now, when I saw Don on-screen at the airport there was no sound on the TV, so I wasn't able to drool over him 100%- I couldn't add him to my laminated list of dudes I'd have babies for without actually hearing him speak... it was the only way to get the full fantasy materialized in my brain. And same with TJ- the pics were hot, true, but I needed a voice.

So I went online, e-stalked and YouTubed them:





and now... mission accomplished... my imagination took off and it was hella sweet.

(queue music)



What happens next, unfortunately, I cannot share because as much shit as I like to talk on this site, you and I both know this is not THAT KIND of blog... you'll need to use your imagination (like I did) to think up some of the sweatiest, acrobatic and jungalistic, threesome activities ever, and then turn it up a notch, and that's what happened. Period.

And with that I had to bump Lenny Kravitz from the number 5 spot on my crush list since I already have a half-black, half-Jewish rocker with crazy hair on there who I've loved for longer (Slash), and had Mr. Lemon & Mr. Holmes share the spot. Welcome to my world, kind sirs; you're in good company...

*smooches...fanning myself, trying not to sweat my edges out*
----------
damn you, lemon! got me watching CNN n shit... ugh!

PS- Lenny, please don't be mad at me; you're in good company, too, on the alternates' list with Johnny Depp, Marcus Patrick, Jason Mamoa and Morris Chestnut. It's all good.

I'd also like to take a minute to induct Domenik Hixon, Troy Polamalu and Larry Fitzgerald to the list of athletes who make me moist. Yum, fellas, Y-U-M!!!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Monday Musings' First Musical Guest...And Other, Er, Musings

You Have To Tune It Tonight For Real!
I'm really excited about tonight's episode of Monday Musings because for the first time since my launch I'll have a musical guest!! I'm totally giddy about it- for those that know me and have read my music articles before, you know me, this is my thing, this is what feeds me.



The only thing that could have made this better is if we were in a real radio station... but, you know, baby steps... it's coming!

In the meantime, listen to the show tonight with special guest, singer/songwriter LeVar Thomas (Twitterholics can follow him here). I'll be picking his brain about- what else?- music, and anything else that crosses my mind. 'Cause this is Monday Musings, you know... anything goes!



Feel free to call in and ask LeVar any questions of your own, or just to tell him how awesome his songs are (OH YES, didn't I mention? We're featuring his music, too.). For a preview of his work, visit LeVar at www.levarthomas.com, or at his MySpace music page by clicking here.

Dear Flu-Like Symptoms:
Why me? You knew I was busy this weekend, right? You knew I had the babies and that I wanted to file my taxes, right? Why did you have to take over my body THIS of all weekends?

I really don't understand why you keep targeting me: I wash my hands like an OCD-ridden fool, I get my daily dose of Vitamin C and I steer clear of the Nasty McNastertons in my office. So why did you target me?

Can't we just come to an understanding already? Please, I beg of you, just leave me be!

Just Say It Will Be OK
I'm embarking on this super huge personal project and I'm a little scared. Intimidated, even, by the sheer magnitude of how great it can be or how horribly it could flop.

It's been hard to keep my positive affirmations going about this because my whole life I've been too chicken to be proactive about anything, but I need to push forward because I know, in my heart, that I won't be complete until I do it.

Everything I've done with my career has led me to this point and I either have to take the plunge or stay stuck here on this ledge forever... I'm not getting any younger, though, right? I'm already way behind where I should have been... I cannot stall, right?

Right. So, deep breath... I just have to push forward...

This Child...
OKAY- so sometimes I tease the babies until they are ready to pull their hair out, I admit it. But DANG, that's no excuse for this note K wrote and left on my desk a few months ago:



For those of you who are hella old (KYLE) and can't read the post-it, she wrote:

If I ever spontaneously combust, please know it was over frustration because my mother was being silly. Lock her up in jail.

Just NO LOVE for me!

Throw Rocks At Boys
There are a million and one reasons why I love my sister, and this game:

Boys Are Stupid. Throw Rocks At Them.

...is just another.

For all the readers who agree on the stupidity of boys, please, a belated Christmas gift from me (and Mari). Enjoy it!

Oh, and Psst! Mari... look below... you just got your own label. *smile*

*smooches...really kinda glad I never had a boy*
----------
who even knows what to do with those creatures?? My girls, although born with sassy lil mouths, are crazy fun!!

Friday, January 23, 2009

I Haven't Shared My Camera Phone Pics In A While...

...so I gathered some gems for you from my beloved Roscoe:

Can his toupee be just a little bit more obvious, because it's almost, maybe DEFINITELY only 99% percent noticeable. Dude, that is a definite fail!



Where did dude get this jacket? Amoebas R Us? Just be thankful I didn't catch the rest of his ensemble... and his girlfriend's shoes? BLECH... I saved you the trauma, trust me!



I saw Erykah Badu at the Vegas Airport. Okay, I'm kidding, but tell me this chick don't bare a striking resemblance?!



I am too through with you men who insist that wearing this



Or this



Is okay. I'm sick of all of y'all. Please stop it!!

This guy was almost a rape victim because his fine ass was asleep on the train across from me after I'd had too many drinks... for real, I almost starred in my very own SVU episode!



I have seen pure evil, folks, and its name is UGG MOCCASINS. I wanted to die three million deaths when I saw this atrocity on the subway platform in the middle of a cold ass week.



The economy must be in the toilet because cattle is looking for work in Brooklyn. Can you believe this mess?? Right on Flatbush Avenue like it's okay to have a cow in the middle of the sidewalk. Totally messed up my day!



When the Mickey D Itis hits, it's serious like a heart attack, which is what I thought this dude was having. But then I realized, no, he was in a French Fry Haze. So I took his picture while my babies shook their head in shame. I'm such a good mommy!



See that beautifully long and luxurious head of hair? Nice, right? Enviable, even, don't you think? Right... it belongs to a dude. I kid you not. I was too sad. And a little bit jealous.



Hey, Ma-ri! Baby I got yo' money, don't you worry, I said HEY! Baby I got yo' (Uruguayan) money!



Am I your secret? Do you read my blog late at night when everyone in the house is asleep, close your laptop when you hear someone on the stairs? When you're in the shower do you close your eyes and dream about my next blog post? Do you set your clock to 12:01AM in anticipation of what I will write next?



Yeah, I thought so.

*smooches...wondering what foolishness I'll capture once I get my Curve*
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yes, folks, you read correctly. I'm upgrading next month. To a crackberry. Pray for me, good people, pray for me!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Birthday Memories Starring Baby N

I was looking through my computer files, trying to make sense of my photos and documents to give my poor hard drive a break, when I came across the folder with pics and videos from N's birthday last summer.

video

It was the first time she'd been apart from K, who'd been at sleep-away camp for two weeks, and she'd just spent a whole week with Mari down in DC.

video

I have to admit- most of my silly antics are performed with N by my side- that girl loves it when I'm insane. It's how we bond. Hopefully she'll remember how much fun crazy mommy is when I'm afflicted with full-on dementia.

video

The whole folder with her birthday pics was chock full of pictures I forgot I had but was happy to find. You see, I fancy myself an amateur photographer and have always been drawn to the art of taking pictures: the memories they invoke, the moments they capture... forcing life to stand still for one, single perfect moment in time.

Like us preparing the cupcakes for her party





N posing with her crown (Tyra has ruined my children, you hear me? RUINED!)



The cupcakes doing a figure "8"



A bunch of wet kids at the park, starring N & 2 of Cathi's babies



Blowing out the candles



A special appearance by Miss Olivia



And some graffiti about some hussy named Tierna who's CLEARLY gotten around. Lots!







There was also some innocent looking footage of the babies playing in the sprinklers, but if you turn up the volume you can hear me, Cathi and Irene deliberating on Cs girlfriend, 'cause did I mention he brought that heifer to my baby's birthday??

video

*smooches...hoping dementia only erases the memory of the time I watched "Glitter"
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Those are two hours of my life I'll NEVER get back!

He Can Be Funny Sometimes, Too

Email from C the day that N cleaned me out for $36.50 playing hoops in my office:

"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders! The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly less well-known is this: never go in against N when money is involved!"

*smooches...still mad I had to pay N that money*
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Free Jaded NYer Mixtape to the first person who can guess from where C "borrowed" that quote.

Sorry it's not a book, but I'm holding those for other give-aways!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

President Obama, I Presume?

Welcome to the White House. Many people have been anxiously awaiting your arrival, believe you me. These same people were all UP MY ASS during the elections to get me to vote n shit, and I finally did... my first election, and I even voted for you. Wasn't that super nice of me? Say thank you, dammit!

WE INTERRUPT THIS LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT TO ASK:
Did you listen to Monday Musings last night? Click here for the podcast and here for the blog. I showed my ASS for real on that one... woo! I wouldn't be surprised if people just stopped coming over here altogether after listening to me discuss race relations... only time will tell.
AND NOW BACK TO THE LETTER

So let me tell you a bit about me, Mr. President, so we can avoid some problems during your stay at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

You might find my name on a few "lists" in your office. It's cool; I earned that spot and there's no need for you to erase it or anything. But I did vote for you... just wanted to put that out there. Bush and I didn't get along so there was bad blood there; it might have affected some shit, I'm just sayin...

I talk a lot of smack about a lot of people (hence why I may be on those lists you now posses) and, well, I have no plans to stop. In fact, I've talked a lot of shit about you and I plan to continue it at my leisure.

See, while everyone else is all, "change has come, blah blah blah" I know that although your speeches are moving and your charisma undeniable, you are nothing more than a mere mortal, and a politician at that, so anything that comes out of your mouth is calculated within an inch of its life. I take it all with 50 trillion grains of salt. You're gonna have to prove shit to me; call me Doubting Thomas if you want but I'm gonna need to see your stigmata negro, or we ain't got nan one word to say to one another.

Listen- David Koresh and Jim Jones had great speeches and tons of charisma, too, so you don't impress me. I won't be sippin from your kool-aid anytime soon. I need action; enough with the words already... we get it, you're eloquent, you're educated. So am I. So is my neighbor. Hell, even my Al Qaeda landlord is! That shit is nothing new. You don't get a pass because your daddy was African.

Until you've been in office a while and have proven that you can, indeed, begin the wheels of change, to me you are just some dude who said a ton of pretty words at the right time and won the election against a really old dude and a not so old broad.

Trust me, your re-election depends on it.

*smooches...welcoming President Obama in my own Jaded way*
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did you expect anything less?? c'mon now, what are you, NEW?

Monday, January 19, 2009

Because Al-Qaeda Has Now Recruited Geese...

...My ass will not be taking another plane for a lil while.

Did you see that hot mess? Dique a plane in the god-damn Hudson... say WORD? Nuh-uh, these terrorists have gone too far now. I've been giving my landlord the SIDE EYE all weekend: I know what you're up to, Mr. B. I got you on my radar now...

In the meantime, be sure to tune in to tonight's Monday Musings. We're gonna discuss Race Relations, seeing as tomorrow we get a new prez and it's MLK Jr's birthday and all. My co-host is Jack, though, so don't expect the conversation to be TOO serious...



I know a lot of you might be in DC this week partying like rock stars and kissing Obama's ass for all it's worth, but still I encourage you all to tune in and call in and type away in the chat room. Otherwise tonight will just be a Puerto Rican and a Dominican talking shit about why black people and white people got beef. I'm just sayin...

*smooches...fresh from a lovely vacation out west*
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oh, and PS- I found the perfect place to meet my next ex-husband... a cool-as-hell sports bar in Park Slope full of lusciously gorgeous men of the chocolate variety... YUM! Thanks for the heads up, Lani!!

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Crazies Flock To Me

They seem normal at first; they compliment my blog, my writing. We exchange words and jokes and tease each other about a variety of benign things. They speak intelligently, have degrees under their belt. They're witty; slaves to pop culture like myself. Hold down jobs, feed and dress themselves like they have some sense.

They seem like cool people.

And then it happens- their Crazy starts to peek out and show it's ass:

DUDE: i was dreaming when i wrote this
DUDE: forgive me if it goes astray
DUDE: but when i woke up this morning
DUDE: coulda sworn it was judgment day
ME: listening to His Purple Majesty
DUDE: nah...just popped in my head
ME: your head is crazy and random
DUDE: you have no idea
DUDE: well...maybe SOME idea
ME: I was gonna say...
DUDE: i swear sometimes my mind is a constant beehive of random
ME: what a visual...
DUDE: ya and inside THAT beehive, is another beehive
DUDE: but inside THAT beehive...a shopping mall
DUDE: its weird
DUDE: not weird that its a shopping mall
DUDE: but weird that its so busy b/c there aren't even any sales and my coupon expired
ME: *backs away slowly from IM window*
DUDE: what? what'd i say?

*smooches...happy that I won't be alone at Bellevue*
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when it's all said and done, if nothing else, I've met the most INTERESTING people in my lifetime...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

In Poland, I'm A Superstar!

Ok, maybe not exactly a superstar per se, but I have (a) fan(s) in Poland that reads this blog on the regular. Comrade, I don't know who you are, and you don't have to say who you are, but thanks for stopping by!

After reading this Bangs and a Bun post in which she greeted her lurkers/readers, I remembered that HEY! I have sitemeter, too... so I checked it out and guess what? A LOT of people read this drivel I post. Amazing, huh?

I didn't know I was so popular *POSES, smiling with eyes* but I appreciate the love. I get those sitemeter reports from time to time and I see the numbers, but I figure it's high because *I* visit my own damn blog so much (looking for typos n shit like an anal-retentive lunatic) on a daily basis.

But the numbers don't lie- you like me... you really, really like me!!

*sniffle*

So not including my 22 loyal friends/family/subscribers, my 35 randomly anonymous RSS feed subscribers, my lovely blog family and the U.S. lurkers from Potsdam to New Orleans, I have international readers from: Romania, England, Australia, Georgia (yes, THAT Georgia... aren't they busy with a war or something?), Canada (hey Muireanne!), Sweden, Venezuela, Germany (Hey, Sophia!), France, Poland and Greece.

-SOAPBOX TIME-
You know what's really incredible? All of those international readers can read in English (not including Canada, Australia and England, which already speak English), but I can't read/speak/understand many of their respective languages. Sad, isn't it?

People across the water are much more prepared for this global environment we're living in than Americans. We're debating on whether English should be the official national language and kids in Europe are learning languages left and right while our kids worship Blue's Clues and other such nonsense. BOOOO to us for being so narrow-minded.

The next person who screams "SPEAK ENGLISH!" to a foreigner in the streets or in a restaurant or whatever, including myself ('cause I'm guilty of that shit, too), is gonna get smacked in the back of the neck by yours truly's inner BIOTCH. I think that's fair warning... why don't YOU speak French? Or Arabic? Mhmm... siddity-ass Americans...
-MESSAGE!-

Now, please excuse me while I go hand over my paycheck to the Berlitz Language Company, so I can properly address my international audience...

In the meantime, please enjoy this lil gift from me to you; another tale from my manuscript:

Fresh Bruises, Part 1
Fresh Bruises, Part 2

*smooches...for all the readers everywhere*
----------
for the Frenchies: Bienvenue y merci pour visiter ma page. Ne soyez pas réservés; sejournez un peu de temps!

for my Polskis: Dzieki, ze wpadles. Czuj sie jak u siebie w domu.

and for the S. American crowd: muchisimas gracias por visitar mi blog! no seas timido- estas en su casa... buen' 'provecho!

(those are the only languages I could work with right now... don't be mad at me Romania, Sweden and Georgia!)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Yes, Sometimes It Is Hard To Be A Mets Fan...

JACK (via email): I ordered pizza just yesterday. Carlos Delgado came to the door. Weird.

If you don't know what he's talking about, it's the fakakta patch the Mets have added to the 2009 jerseys to commemorate the new stadium.

Critics are comparing it to the Domino's logo and I can't even blame them... look at this mess:



And look at the one the Yankees came up with:



*deep sigh*

As if Yankee fans aren't already the most arrogant, obnoxious, boisterous and irritating people on the planet, now we have to deal with this bullshit.

I feel like this patch is a test of my loyalty. Well, I ain't going nowhere, not after years and years of losing, not after sticking us with Minaya, and definitely NOT over some stupid patch that will only be on the uniforms for one season.

I'm not that kind of fan. I started with them, I'll finish with them, wherever that road may lead... I'm ride or die for them fools, god help me...

But quietly, how much do you want to bet that Minaya is behind this? OOOOH, I HATE THAT MAN!!!!!!!

*smooches...still a Mets fan, through and through*
----------
nothing will ever change that... I'm like the musicians on the Titanic with this team... I'm going down with the ship if I have to!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

So It Seems I Have Some Issues To Work Out

LORDY LORD LORD... did you catch the show last night? No? Well honey child HERE is the link to the show: Mars vs. Venus

And HERE is the link to the blog about the show: Mars vs. Venus Blog

Listen and then share... trust me, you need to listen. It was so crazy we never got through all the talk points, so you know what that means? PART TWO, this April, bitchezzzzzz!

And now on to our regularly scheduled post...


-------------------

This has been heavy on my mind since my Dating After Divorce segment with Cathi, and especially after last night's tomfoolery...

It has become quite evident that the reason I don't have a man and can't find a man is because... I don't want a man. At least not for a while. So forget this whole thing about me being open to the possibility of romance. I. Don't. Wanna.

(I know some of you were hoping that sentence would end with me in the middle of some torrid lesbian love affair... sorry, I left that mess back in '04...)

I don't want to put in any work on another new human right now; I have too many people to keep track of as it is. I don't want to compromise right now when I know I'm right at the threshold of my dream. I'm enjoying my me time and don't feel like sharing- point blank: I'm in Selfish Mode and I think I'm going to be here for a little bit.

I'm still dealing with learning to trust people, to like myself and to juggle the whole mom thing with the dating thing, because right now it's all just a mess in my brain.

Now I know my girlie parts are cursing me out as I type this but whatever- I'm the boss here. And besides, bitches already had enough fun to hold them over a good long while so they ALL need to shut the fuck up. Sex was fun and all, but I'm on hiatus.

When I think of a relationship these days, I actually feel suffocated. Like the dude is going to see this happy, carefree soul and think, "How can I tame her and keep her under my thumb?"

I enjoy coming and going whenever I feel like it. One day I'm in Massachusetts the next I could be in DC and then I could hop a flight to LA and not have to do anything more than make sure the babies are with their dad or my mom. Imagine if I had a man and wanted to hop around the globe like that- do you know anyone that would put up with that?

And frankly, I'm just not ready to be out there or in a relationship. I thought I had to be because, well, I don't know... I just did. But now I'm realizing that no, I don't. Of course I want companionship and all that- who doesn't? But when I actually try to imagine it I can taste a hint vomit in the back of my throat.

I think that's a sign.

But Cathi hit the nail on the head when she said to me: You need the male version of you. BINGO. I think that's exactly who I will be on the lookout for when I'm ready to get out there again.

A Jaded NYer with a penis and more testosterone than yours truly (at least I HOPE!). Imagine the possibilities...

Until then... I'm living the:



*smooches...really pleased with my decision*
----------
watch dudes come out the woodwork now that I've taken myself off the market... ain't that always the way?

Monday, January 12, 2009

What Can I Say?

Philadelphia beat us fair and square.

I'm not going to say "the Eagles wanted it more" or "it's all Plaxico's fault" because that's what sore losers say. And true, I took the anger and frustration out on my couch with such ferocity that my babies ran and hid in my bedroom, but I'm okay now. And sure I googled Eli to see where he lived to maybe perhaps pass by with a led pipe but, nah, I'm okay now.

It's just a football game, right? The fate of the world doesn't depend on it, right? Except for the loss of bragging rights, a Giants debacle doesn't affect my world.

*deep cleansing breaths*

That said, I refuse to talk sports until March 6th when Team Dominican Republic plays The Netherlands in Puerto Rico at the World Baseball Classic. Carry on.

Now on to better news:

TONIGHT, ON MONDAY MUSINGS...

Remember that book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus? And how it discussed how differently men and women communicate, react, behave, etc? I didn't read it but I read the jacket (self-help books make me vomit!) so I only got the gist of it.

Anyways, I decided to have my own little version of it on Monday Musings- Mars vs. Venus: A Conversation Between Heterosexuals. And I specify heteros for this segment because OF COURSE I'll be doing one later on for my gays (I stole that phrase from Kathy Griffin... Where my gays at?!?! lol).



I want an open dialogue between men and women, marrieds and singles, to see if we can't get back on track with one another. I've noticed that many of the singles in blogland seem to have real problems meeting really good mates, and it baffles me because all the bloggers I visit seem to be nice, intelligent, ambitious and beautiful people. So what's the problem?

Lets find out together, shall we?

And my co-hosts tonight: 12kyle & Eb the Celeb... and if you've ever read either of their blogs, you know they have a lil faux feud going on that will make this segment SO MUCH FUN. In fact, they've already begun trash talking via email, so I can only imagine what tonight will bring!

In the meantime, feel free to add any questions/comments you may have for the opposite sex in the comment section, and I'll try to bring it up during the segment tonight.

Be there or be SQUARE!

*smooches...still kinda mad about the Giants' game*
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alls I know is, the Eagles better not go all the way...HMPH!

Friday, January 09, 2009

I'm Not Setting The Best Example Here

The babies and I found ourselves talking about noses somehow, and I mentioned that I had the Penzo nose- it has a lil bump on the bridge, very Romanesque, and it runs in my father's side of the family.

I happen to mention to K that she had a lil button nose as a baby, but now, she, too, was showing signs of that tell-tale sign of being a Penzo.

And of course, any chance for N to be an annoying little sister, she's gonna jump on it. Believe you me!

N (pointing to Ks face): You do have a bump... YOU'RE A PENZO!!!

K: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

My bad... did I give the impression that being a Penzo was a bad thing??

*smooches...wondering if any of "them" read this blog*
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*yawn* whatever, they know they're wack. they don't need a blog to tell them so...

Thursday, January 08, 2009

"One Of These Kids Is Not Like The Other..."

Why was that the song that popped in my head when I saw this picture?



Photo source: AP Photo/J. Scott Applewhite

Look at them, all smiles n shit, like Clinton wasn't trash talkin Obama during the primaries, like Bush Sr. ain't hatin on Clinton's smug ass, like Carter even knows what day it is, like Bush Jr. ain't counting down the minutes til he can go watch Spongebob Squarepants and like Obama isn't as high as a freakin kite wondering where he can score some Cool Ranch Doritos right quick (weed lips, people, I keep telling you...)!

I see this picture, and instead of thinking, "Wow, look at my former leaders with the future President" I'm thinking of that SNL Cartoon, The X-Presidents!

Oh please, Mr. Smigel, PLEASE have an episode planned for after Obama takes office... I NEED to see that episode!!!

*smooches...bringing "inappropriate" back...*
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it's okay, tho, I live in America and I can make fun of any elected official I want, past or present. watch me!

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Jaded Book Giveaway No. 3

You know the deal:

I got lots o' books, but no space to keep them. So I'm giving them away like CRAZY EDDIE!

But to get these freebies, you must first prove your literary worthiness by identifying the book and author from which this passage was taken:

When she got to where they were she turned her face on the bander log and spoke. They scrambled a noisy ''good evenin' " and left their mouths setting open and their ears full of hope. Her speech was pleasant enough, but she kept walking straight on to her gate. The porch couldn't talk for looking.

The men noticed her firm buttocks like she had grape fruits in her hip pockets; the great rope of black hair swinging to her waist and unraveling in the wind like a plume; then her pugnacious breasts trying to bore holes in her shirt. They, the men, were saving with the mind what they lost with the eye. The women took the faded shirt and muddy overalls and laid them away for remembrance. It was a weapon against her strength and if it turned out of no significance, still it was a hope that she might fall to their level some day.

But nobody moved, nobody spoke, nobody even thought to swallow spit until after her gate slammed behind her.

So... do you know it?? Winner can choose any three books from my Freebie box. Wait- that sounded dirty... never mind... you know what I meant!

*smooches...feeding my fellow bibliophiles' addictions*
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now y'all let me know if these are too easy, if I need to start putting on my High-Brow-Literary-Snob cap with these giveaways, 'cause I'll do it!

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

I've Accepted That I'm A Work-In-Progress...

...and I'll always be. I'm never finished, never satisfied, never done. I feel like if I stop moving, doing, wanting, I'll drop where I stand and no one will ever know I was here.

This is what motivates my words, my work, my actions.

I want you to know I was here. I want to linger in your memories, even 20 years from now... I want you to hear the words "Hey y'all!" and think, "OMG, I remember this chick from NYC used to say that mess all the damn time!"

-SIDE NOTE-
Did you listen to my show last night? Darius Williams of Everyday Cookin' [dot] com and I did a Cooking 101 segment, and you really should have tuned in! It was crazy fun and we had some really informative and helpful tips for all you non-cooks out there. You can download the podcast by clicking here.
-END TRANSMISSION-

In light of this new declaration, this newly adopted affirmation and acceptance of my non-perfectness, I hereby proclaim: I will no longer use my TO DO list as an excuse to keep "love" and "companionship" at arms length. No more waiting until my finances are straight or my stories are published or my babies are out of the house.

Not that I'm going to stop doing what I have to do to get where I want to be, just, you know, I might maybe maybe maybe tuck away the *Side Eye* from time to time and maybe maybe maybe *GASP* smile sometimes. I know, scary, right? I'm not even sure I know how to smile without alcohol in my system!

But every year I try to make one or two improvements in my life; last year I stopped obsessing over celebrity gossip and gave up cow's milk; this year I think I'll actually (maybe maybe maybe) open myself up to the possibility of (maybe maybe maybe)... romance n shit.

I'm going to still be me, a less stank version of me, but me nonetheless: the snarky, silly, crazy, ambitious, messy, curly-haired, Spicy Latina you all "know" and love.

Dude(s) will just have to deal with a Jaded NYer who's always on the move, peeking over the neighbor's fence, dreaming of the great beyond and planning for every possible life imaginable. Just a little less stank.

He'll have to deal with that and love me anyway. Because I said so, dammit.

And I, in turn, will (kinda maybe perhaps) accept that he, too, is not all he wants to be, yet, but is doing all he can to get there.

There I said it. But I'm warning you- if I read comments from you talking bout, "Jaded's gone SOFT in '09, y'all!" I'm coming for you.

SHUT. UP.

*smooches...with no one in particular in mind*
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and even if there were someone, you know I'd never tell *wink*

Monday, January 05, 2009

Calling All Wannabe Radio Hosts...

Monday Musings is looking for YOU!



The whole point of the show is to have a conversation with you, my lovely, faithful readers, so why not sign up to be a co-host?!

I mean, c'mon, if 12KYLE can do it, anyone can (HAHAHAHA!!! You know I kid 'cause you're like family).

The next season are already chock-full of exciting topics and guest hosts, but there are still a few segments looking for love, including:


  • Global Warming is Real- But How Many Of Us Really Care?
  • Race Relations in the U.S.
  • Child Rearing 101 pt 3- She's In School Now And Thinks She Knows Everything
  • Special Broadcast: Women's Heritage Month- The Movers & Shakers That ROCK!
  • Uncle Sam Ain't Playing w/Y'all- Last Minute Tax Tips for Dummies
  • Child Rearing 101 pt 4- TBD

Won't you adopt a soft, cuddly Monday Musings topic today? Email me RIGHT THIS MINUTE at rpenzo@thejadednyer.net

Meanwhile, tonight's season premiere is, drum roll please:

Cooking 101: All the Basics for Those Who are Afraid of the Kitchen. And my guest host is none other than Darius T. Williams of Everyday Cookin', so you know it's going to be an awesome show.

Please be sure to tune in tonight, same time (10PM EST), same place (Blog Talk Radio). We're a fun bunch AND the chat room will, no doubt, be full of crazies and lunatics. As usual!

*smooches...happy that MNF will no longer interfere with my show*
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'cause I love football and all (GO GIANTS!!), but it was totally stealing my audience.

Sunday, January 04, 2009

Jaded Photographs 2009: January Edition

"These Pretzels Are Making Me Thirsty"



*smooches...hoping you enjoy this new monthly feature*
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I have so many random pictures with no purpose in life. so I figured I'd give them a purpose, you know, so they'll feel loved... this way, hopefully, they won't try to kill me in my sleep.

Also, first person (besides Mari) who can tell me what TV show that line is from, will get a free Jaded Book!!

Saturday, January 03, 2009

One Day, She'll Be President Of Uruguay

Or at least that's her goal.



It seems like just yesterday she looked like this:

(me n her circa 1984)


And now, she looks like this:

(me n her circa 2008)



HAPPY 25TH BIRTHDAY, MARI!!!!!!!!!



PS- in case you forgot how crazy she is... peep this video:
video

*smooches...feeling lucky to have such a sister in my life*
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even if she does drive me up the wall sometimes!

Friday, January 02, 2009

I Wasn't Ready In 2008

But 2009 is all about my writing.

Not what I put on this blog or the stuff I pimp out there as a freelance writer or the bullshit I write for clients at work, but my REAL writing, the writing I've kept tightly under wraps for years and years.

It's time to cut the apron strings and send my babies out into the world.

I mean, really- the only way to become a New York Times Best Selling Author or a Pulitzer Prize winner is to, you know, publish something... am I right?!

Last year I looked around the City for open mic nights for fiction writers, but all I found were places for poets. BOOOOO because I'm not a poet. So instead I'm focusing on two different writing groups that I joined and, well,

*deep cleansing breaths*

...I'll share a bit with you here.

*wipes sweaty palms on jeans*

Ok, here goes everything nothing:

Sancocho On A Rainy Day

*smooches...completely done with resolutions and promises*
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I'm only focusing on achieving my goal to become a writer that Papi, Grandma and my entire family on this Island and on Hispañola can be proud of. Ahi voy, con Dios adelante...

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Reason #982,361 Why I Love NYC

Hellloooooooooo, 2009!!! How the heck are ya, buddy? We've all been anxiously awaiting your arrival and I have to say, you never cease to amaze or disappoint me.

How did everybody do last night/this morning? I hope you're all safe and sound and recovering quietly at home (like me).

My night? Why, I'm glad you asked... actually, if you follow me on Twitter you already know most of the story, but let me fill in the blanks for you.

I had planned a very quiet and low-key evening: spend some time w/Miss Olivia and Irene, then meet up with The Webmaster at a couple of BK House Parties with the Arties with a possible layover at Bembe, and then a quick stop to have a glass of Champagne with Lani at her job (she bartends, in case you didn't know) before heading home.

Easy, breezy, right?

WRONG!

First off, Law & Order: SVU has this strange hold on me. I can't explain it. Whenever I should be doing something important or pressing at home, I watch this shit on Netflix instead. So what this means is: I got home from work at 6-ish but didn't leave my house until 9PM. Even tho I wasn't getting dressed up or anything. Three Hours held hostage by Detectives Stabler and Benson. God I love that show...

--SIDE NOTE--
Every dude I see on the street now is a rape suspect; I can't tell you how many random *Side Eyes* I've been giving out on the subway to guys just because they remind me of this damn show!
--END--

So I get to Irene's- despite the weather being -342 degrees- and chill for a while. And can I just say, Irene FORCED ME to watch some of the most god-awful reality television... like that dumb ass show "Speeders" where cameramen follow cops around as they stop people for moving violations across the country.

Shoot me now.

Miss Olivia was out by 11:30, I'd eaten some Chinese food and drank half a small bottle of Bailey's and settled in for two Kathy Griffin comedy specials before I finally left around 2-ish.

I was going to go home, I PROMISE I was. But after deciding that The Webmaster's invite to someone's small house party in Williamsburg did not seem like my scene, I thought, Well, let me at least say HEY to Lani and have one drink with her.

Famous. Last. Words.

I showed up at her job a little after 3AM, positioned myself at the bar with a glass of bubbly and just took in the sights... of drunkity, drunk people everywhere! Oh how I lamented that my camera could not take pictures in the dark... so much ammunition, so little time!

After watching Lani strong arm a dude who kept trying to smoke inside and a couple trying to have sex at one of the tables, they (she and her bar manager... BTW, ShellyShell, he asked for you; said you were crazy and totally liked you! You need to stop by again LOL) shut the place down and we headed over to some loft a block away, to an after party we were invited to.

Um. What can I say about this... "party" except that there were all of SIX cracked out people there (not including the three of us) one of which was a loud-ass extravagant, flamboyant, Queen motherfucker who kept dropping designer names he was wearing like I care about that shit, and another who TOOK OFF HER PANTS. That chick... I swear... she had this crazy look in her eye that SCREAMED: any minute now I'm going to ask you to help me shoot up 'cause I'm too fucked up to hold the needle straight.

I'm so so so glad that the rest of my party decided this place was LAME and WEIRD and grabbed our coats to be OUT!

At this point I'm totally like, yeah, I'm going home now, but NOOOOOOOOO... I didn't.

Instead I joined Lani at Puck Fair, and by now it's like 5AM so it's mainly filled with other bartenders and leftover partiers, but still, place was PACKED. And I know all of you in the rest of the country are totally jealous right now because YOU don't have a 24-hour bar in YOUR city. But fret not- next time you're in town just check it out.

But anyway, this place was a lot of fun, except for the BUSTERS that kept tryin to holla... like the cracked out Irish guy who was only visiting NYC but thinks he might move here and the OTHER cracked out Irish man who looked like he'd had too much to drink from FOUR days ago.

Did I mention that both of them thought it their job to chat me up? Oh, how lovely.

Thankfully one of Lani's friend's rescued me with a dance.

When I noticed that it was 8AM and I had officially been up for 24hrs, I thought OK, NOW, FOR REAL, I need to go home when suddenly, Lani's friend says HER friend was offering to RE-OPEN his bar just for us to come sit and have a few drinks. On the house.

Guess what I did?

So when I finally got home at 11AM, I took a few minutes to check in with the Twitter Crew because I KNEW I'd written some crazy mess throughout the night:

Trying to convince myself to go out... it's BRRRRRRICKKKKKKK out there. YIKES!

Total NY Moment: dude is jerking off on the J train. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Total NY Moment 2: PRican couple fighting on the J train. Dude is crying. He feels disrespected. Chick has issues w/his mom. DRAMA!

It must say Native NYer on my forehead- 3 ppl have asked me for directions in the last 5 minutes. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Total NY Moment 3: girl tying shoelaces... w/urine pouring down her pants. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Total NY Moment 4: chick giving dude a handjob in the bar. They don't get why they were asked to stop. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Why oh why doesn't my cam take video in the dark? Drunk dancing taking place right by me and I cant record it. Damn!

Black gay dude just said to me: niggas n flies... the more I think about niggas the more I like flies. Aaah big city living! Jealous?

Shot of Jameson at 7 AM? HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I've officially been up for 24 hours... EVERYBODY DRINK!

At another bar. Free drinks. Its good to know bartenders!

And now I've been up for 26 hours. Not sure how much more I can stand. My eyelids are mad at me!

Flo-rida at 10 AM? You want me to get low? But I don't have apple bottom jeans

Just got in a cab. Lani is still hanging tough. Gosh I love my friends!

OK, 11 AM and I'm finally home. WHAT A NIGHT!! After a power nap I think I'll blog about it LOL HAPPY NEW YEAR!

All I can say is... I wasn't even DRUNK the whole night, until we got to that last bar. But that wasn't the alcohol, it was the... um... never mind...

*smooches...starting out the New Year killing brain cells for your entertainment*
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and don't even get me started on what will probably go down this weekend... it's Mari's 25th Birthday AND Cathi is coming to town. OW, my liver...

PS- Lani has all the pics from that night, so as soon as I get them from her I'll think about posting some of the more tame ones