Wednesday, March 26, 2008

So Yesterday...

The pain came back.

Just when I thought I had this ish licked, all of a sudden... nausea, pain and just all-around ickiness. My bitch ass doctor told me, via her receptionist (because, you know, she's too good to talk to me herself...) to go to the ER and go as soon as possible. Which I, of course, translated to: finish out the work day and walk the 18 blocks to St. Vincent's.

I'm so hard-core...

So there I am, sitting among the dregs of society (that's right, I said it!) wondering what nastiness I'm catching by just being there, contemplating a walkout, fretting about the two album reviews I had due the next day PLUS the OP-ED and brochure copy I needed to catch up on for my 9-to-5. And trying to will my body well so that these quacks would not have to cut me open to find what was wrong with me.

Anyway, long story short- I'm okay, simple infection (can they just TAKE THIS DAMN TROUBLE-MAKING FALLOPIAN TUBE OUT ALREADY?!?!), they sent me home with meds and I took a sick day from work. Lani thinks my immune system is acting janky because of my stress/depression, and she's probably right. So that's it- as of today, this very moment, I declare that I am no longer depressed and/or stressed. There. Done. Now I can go back to living.

That out of the way, let's get to the juicy stuff: ER gossip, 'cause you know I was up in there clutching my side but takin' notes like a mo-fo!!

Lord Help My Nostrils
OH MY GOD! This homeless dude FUNKED UP THE BATHROOM near the waiting area!! And not with what he did in there, but rather with his b.o. I was already nauseous and that stench...lord...just thinking about it is making the chunks rise in my throat!!

And why did the maintenance guy go around spraying this god-awful "air freshener" all over the place, some of which got into my mouth and eyes??? Funk and potpourri do not, a good mix, make. BLECH!

Who Let Crazy In?
This Mase looking dude (bad boys forever...take that, take that...) strolled in, dirty clothes, fucked-up face, started to sit in the seat next to me (of course!) and began yelling, "No more visitors! Everybody go home!" That was my queue to move to the back of the waiting area, far, far away from the door.

Grumbly Tumbly
You ever have some serious nausea and some serious hunger at the same time? Someone came into the ER with some damn McDonald's french fries and it reminded me that I hadn't eaten since 12PM and it was now nearly 8. I was sitting there planning all the deep-fried and processed yummies I was going to ingest as soon as I was discharged.

Get Out Of Here!
So let me get this right... YOUR friend hits someone's 86-year-old grandfather with his car, and you show up to the ER all teary-eyed, explaining your side of the story and what? Looking for sympathy from the grandson? Are you kidding me lady? You think because they are immigrants you can just come in here and what? Ooh! You're lucky I didn't care enough to go over there, impersonate a shady lawyer and tell your ass off!

These Things ONLY Happen To Me
The lady in the stretcher next to me? Yeah, she was a crack-smoking, alcoholic, lesbian ex-con who hears voices from time to time and lives in a women's shelter. Her partner is in jail for forgery and she hasn't heard from her since July because the partner was transferred from Riker's to an upstate facility... she's in for forgery, and the lady next to me did 10 months for grand larceny. Of a CANE. I cannot make this stuff up! Even the shrink was like, "A cane? How much was the cane worth?"

She's attempted suicide a bunch of times with pills and stuff, and came to America by herself in '78.

How do I know all of this? Because I OVERHEARD EVERY WORD of her psych evaluation. Can y'all PLEASE take this to a private room? Sheesh! And quietly... where's my purse? I'm watching you, lady...

Oh yeah, and the guy they bring in for the stretcher on the other side of me? Mhmm, he came in with his hands cuffed behind his back and two police escorts.

You gotta love this city...

*smooches...glad for the day off, not glad for the antibiotics*
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and did I mention that one of the nurses was a tranny? I don't have any real proof, but "her" voice was mad low and "her" hands? Suspect...

oh, but I wanna give a shout out to my discharge nurse who hooked me up with two initial doses of the meds I needed so that I wouldn't have to get up this morning to fill my Rx. You ROCK!